bobby usmady

bless you

2009-04-25T22:19:00.003+09:00

it's been ages where people said 'bless you!' whenever there's someone sneeze.... So, based on that, the story begun. Nathan, one of my nephew, join us for dinner at uptown grill. He's 5 years old. So.... He asked his mum and point to one pepper bottle 'mommy, this is what makes you bless you?' hwawawawawa.... So everyone laughs

(-) & (+)

2009-04-10T21:20:00.000+09:00

How can I run this relationship with you if I can’t trust you?
All I need is for you to show me that you are trustworthy…

It’s been days since the last time I sleep well

My parents out of town

Fight with him over his lies

Plan on going to the club while parents gone

Nothing to do daylight, it’s holiday

They plan on going swimming

Still waiting for his sweet surrender… not yet…

Heard of some good stuff for this Saturday

Can’t sleep thinking about him

My sister making Okonomiyaki today

Missed him

Made my first pancake last night, it was go---od

I still can’t trust him, I don’t know why

New songs on my iTunes

He’s just not that into me

He’ll come around

~sigh

Silence!

2009-03-27T15:41:00.001+09:00

I’ve known the Hinduism celebration of ‘Nyepi’ day, which means the day of Silence. But of course, back in town, all I’ve reckoned on the subject is that it’s a day of holiday since the government has turned ‘Nyepi’ day as public holiday. And I remember once, back in Jakarta, Sudirman-Thamrin road was closed for public from 6 am till 1 pm at the cost of honoring Nyepi. And I thought back then “wow, that’s huge, I mean, closing the main road in the center of metropolitan city even only for like 7 hours. Guess Nyepi is a big deal after all”. Well… I thought too soon.

I am now spending a week of my holiday in Bali during the absolute day of silence, so they say. As I read earlier on Bali Post magazine, Local news column, I had found out series of rules for society who lives in Bali, and above all, citizens who holds Hinduism as their religion. Shocked the hell out of me.

The rituals remain in absolute effects for 24 hours. Or in my case, it began on Wednesday evening, March 26, 2009 until 6 a.m. Friday Morning, March 27, 2009.

And during the period of it…

we must not lit any lights (not even candles!)
we must not perform any works
we must not enjoy any amusements
we must maintain silence
we must not venture outside the sealed and silent quarters (by all means, held hostage in your own property)

As they wrote it, Tourist visitors and non-Balinese residents of the island are expected to heed local tradition, which brings the entire island to a ghost-town-like standstill.

I mean… what???
Oh… and there’s more!

Hotel service and staff will be compelled to stay at their place of employment during the 24hour period as travel between home and job will not be possible.

All roads across the island will fall silent and be available for use only by emergency vehicle.

Hotel guests must stay on their hotel grounds throughout the 24hour period during which they will be able to enjoy most hotel facilities and services. Guest rooms windows will have their curtains drawn and outside lighting at hotels will be dimmed or extinguished during the Nyepi period.

Bali’s Ngurah Rai Airport will be closed with no flight operations allowed during the 24hour period. Technical and emergency landings will be permitted, including medical evacuation flights, but crew landing at the airport between 6 a.m. on March 26 until 6 a.m. the following morning will not be allowed to leave the airport terminal.

All Bali seaports will be closed during the 24hour Nyepi period.

The once monthly tsunami alarm testing that occurs at 10 a.m. on the 26th of each month will not take place on March 26th.

The even shut the Airport?! Man!

According to a friend of mine, the rituals of Nyepi is actually intended for people to re-evaluate themselves of the past year they’d been through. Some sort for forgiveness for those who realized mistakes they’ve made and make amends for it.

So… I guess there’ll be neither lights nor whatever electrical (mobile phones, mp3, laptop, TV, Sound system) for me tonight… sigh… perhaps if I turn silent mode? Oh why not….

Lots of Love!

What if i Stay?

2009-03-20T06:00:00.001+09:00

Calling all my senses
I can't see
or taste
or feel you anymore

And every day
I'm calling on my inner strength
To fight for something once worth fighting for

Maybe it's life in the real world
Maybe it's all been my fault

What if I go?
What if I leave?
What if I show you how you're breaking me?
And I know,
whatever I say I'll still be thinking

What if I stay?

Staring at the stars
I make a wish
that I could travel back in time

I lie awake just looking at your face
And I remember how you used to look at mine

~Melanie C

Dream or Real?

2009-03-20T05:58:00.000+09:00

I was awake by surprise just 4 hours ago (which had me awake until now!) because of my dream. Which got me to think of the possibilities that there’s perhaps a connection between dream world and real world. I was dreaming about me and this guy I’ve dated but didn’t work out as I hoped it would.

(Dream World)

We were having dinner at this place when suddenly, before our meals came, the lights went off. Having dirty thoughts on his minds, as horny as he was, we ditched out dinner and just went out from the place.

Before we got into his car, I remember this lucidly, I said to him ‘wait, you haven’t paid the bill!’. And he went to pay for the bill.

I remember we got into this fight in his car, and I gave him silent treatment by rearranging his things in the car.

Then, I asked him whether he wants to stay over or not and before I know it, I already gave him a blowjob. It was then when he got me choked because he digs too deep.

(Awake)

I was startled and awake and felt suffocate along with my attempt to breathe. And then I realized, it was just like that choke-incident I had when I gave him heads on my dream.

Geezzz…

Lots of love!

my Sims are gay!

2009-03-20T05:56:00.000+09:00

I started playing Sims again when I bored out of hell with my shop-scene. As you probably already guessed, I created a male avatar in my description and named him Obie Gaylicious (in the hope of I can make him as gay as I am now). He lived in 88 Gaystreet, Bayview. An eclectic house designs, with colors everywhere. Reds and indigos majorly, but also yellow and green attached here and there.

Evidently, it’s true that you can make your Sims as gay as it seems. As Obie is now like, totally gay.

My Sims now married with another male Sims I made, Darren, and they lived happily together. And seeing their togetherness, it bugged me, really. In all my previous relationships, I have felt that togetherness feeling and, clearly, now all that feelings are rushing back, made me realize that I’ve missed those feelings.

The game turned out to be too real for me. The way they looked at each other, the way they missed each other when the presents of others not in sight, the way they hugged in bed, the way they kissed, kid, everything. Once, when Darren was having his moment in the toilet, Obie was in the kitchen making dinner with Darren’s face and love signs all over his mind. Another time, they were outside, cuddling under the tree and talking about the moon (or so). I’m telling you, the Sims really did that! I didn’t add anything just to spice up this story I’m telling. I really didn’t want to admit this, but I guess I really am the relationship type of guy. No matter how hard I tried not to think about this single life of mine, it kept coming back to my concerns.

Was it because of these failed relationships I had lately, that made me feel rather melancholy? I’ve always placed these thoughts in my head… That it wasn’t supposed to be this hard, being single is not the end of the world, love will come around.

Where’d all that go?

This is the kind of dilemma I could not share to anyone’s around me, also the kind that I would really need help from. But, just the thought of me being too soft having this silly trouble I made, let alone share it to others, had throw me out of line and kept it all to myself. I guess I really am not up to running for ‘drama queen of the year’, huh?

Funny how it has always been me, when I’m feeling blue and gloomy I’ve always felt in peace listening to mellow songs. Just now, I’m listening to this song that really embodied my on and off relationship.

Calling all my senses
I can’t see or taste or feel you anymore
And everyday
I’m calling on my inner strength
To fight for something once worth fighting for

Maybe it’s life in the real world
Maybe it’s all been my fault

What if I go?
What if I leave?
What if I show you how you’re breaking me?

And I know
Whatever I say
I’ll still be thinking

What if I stay?

Back then, I was running with suffocating, heartbreaking relationship yet I couldn’t get out from for the reason of my love for him. I kept on dreaming in believing that us both can work things out, that no matter what we’ll both get through everything, that his love for me was true. I was away from home when I’m with him. And every time I threatened him by packing my clothes after us fighting, he begged me to stay and when I looked in his eyes, I saw sincere apology.

But now,
After 2 months apart,
After I see things clearly,
I won’t be thinking ‘what if I stay?’.

Perhaps ‘Thank god I left!’

Don’t get me wrong; being with him was such fun. And if I’d be given the opportunity to have ‘fun’ with him again, I would. Mamas gotta eat!

Lots of Love!

my mother's diamonds went missing...

2009-03-17T00:57:00.000+09:00

And she’s gone ballistic!

She cried the whole day, accusing everyone who passed her way. She even called me twice downstairs to ask me if I ever saw her diamonds and she went to my room once just to confirm the same thing. She informed everyone that the last time she wore them was last Saturday when she went to this party. And just this morning, she found them missing. And with accusing tone on her voice, she asked if I had been home on Sunday. I was, so I said yes. You’d think that after the last incident of losing some of her jewelries like 3 months ago and some psychic had told us that she just forgot where she put them, she wont budge me or any other family member about another missing in action dilemma. She did tell us that this diamonds of hers apparently had cost her a house. But with her pre-dementia attitude, we’d think that she just forgot where she’d put them. If no one ever did ‘stole’ her diamonds, I’d risk everything I’ve got that she hid them somewhere that no one, not even her herself, know where to find them!

Try to avoid the situation at home, just this afternoon I went to Pluit Village to calm my head from all the heat. Couple of days ago, while going through my dresser (so much of a dresser, it’s a pile of clothes laying on my suitcase), I found underwear that does not belong to me. But I loved them! It’s white and very sexy (as I tried it on, damn!) and I’m pretty sure it belonged to my sister. Yes, it’s for women, and buying children’s underwear for me to use the last time didn’t stop me before (I am sick!). So, while I was in Pluit Village, why not buy myself sexy underwear? I went to women department and had found what I’ve been looking for. Slightly different… Better fabric and color. I bought the hot-pink and black and white stripes. You know what? Much cheaper than the sexy underwear I bought, for men, Skinwear. I’m gonna need to come back tomorrow to buy some more.

After walking around PV with nowhere to go, I finally went to Jco for some wireless Internet. Replied couple of mails and download couple of pictures (non-pornographic), and I just realized that I didn’t bring my match! Now how am I going to smoke?! The first time I’m spending my time at Jco and not smoking any of those filthy cigarettes. Desperate for one, I went to Carrefour to buy a match. I called dewie (my sister) to pick me up since she’s home already. On the way to where she’s picking me, I saw this fabulous sun glass the style I had always wanted. The one Victoria Beckham always wore at any occasions, but of course, mine didn’t say Christian Dior or Roberto Cavalli on the side. But close enough. So I bought them, yay!

Went home,
Ate something,
To my room,
Watching Ghost Whisperer season 04,

That’s pretty much my day up until now…
Writing this.

Lots of Love

As It Turned Out...

2009-03-16T02:05:00.001+09:00

I NO LONGER HOLD THE CROWN FOR BEING QUEEN OF THE WORLD…

OR DRAMA QUEEN FOR THAT MATTER.

This bitch that sort of, somehow, kept on crawling back, seeming for attentions she crave from everyone that ironically revolve around me, hurts me just to hear another piece of her. As the former queen of the world, it is my nature to reject all things without me in it, let alone another demanding-attention bitch that breathes near me. What bothers me the most, I exploited every force within me that I had not having to deal with her attitude, it is my sister that kept that bitch coming back, living and sadly, breathing, among my surroundings. The bitch works for the same school my sister did, and apparently they’re some sorts of soul sisters. Eughhh…

In the past, she did things that appear to annoy everyone in the group and the group sort of disowned her by ditching her. This group includes my siblings, our friends and me. And ‘she’ includes her alone! This happens like years ago. It felt like years ago. So, with this, she has some sort of ‘history’ of her own regarding her not-so-fond personality amongst my surroundings. Somehow… not knowing how or when, there she was, on the front door picking up my sister for a night out. Really, personally, I have nothing against her. That’s why, back then, I welcomed her back, not knowing I let myself in for distasteful ride.

She had this boyfriend, soon-to-be married, who left her not long after she decided together that her boyfriend, both her sons and her are going abroad for achieving their supposedly ‘dream life’. Made her stressed and all. If you have feelings, then you’d understand. I empathize for her lost, we all did. After a while… she knew her problems, we gave her supportive advices, I’m sure she know what’s best for her and her sons… and what do I still hear the last couple of days? Drama, drama and drama of her life.

‘What should I do?
I don’t understand!
Why’d he do that to me?
I need him telling me directly!
Where is he?’

OH! GET A GRIP! You bitch!

No, she never really asked anything advice-wise from me nor she cried helplessly towards me. But…

She asked my sister when I was there,
She asked her friends when me and my sister were there,
She asked my brother-in-law when me and my sister were there,
She asked another friend when me, my sister and my brother-in-law were there,
She asked my other sister when me, my sister and my brother-in-law were there,
She pouted, cried, moped, gloomed, sobbed, weep when we were there!

And I didn’t say a thing. Not a problem of mine. And I could’ve gone into my room not listening and I did. I knew a drama queen when I see one; she is one and I too. We’re great as long as we’re not involving each other’s life.

Recently, when she came over with both her kids, to… what do you call that? Oh.. shared some feelings (her feelings and hers only). And of course, leave her kids unattended while she’s gone acted queen and all, and left her kids screaming, playing, noise right outside my bedroom door. I was pissed, but didn’t say a thing (just screamed to the kids to ‘SHUT IT!’, my defense, it was suppose to be her job and not mine). If I was to mad like hell just because some kids screams in front of my door, my nephews wouldn’t even breathes this very second. So, what the hell with her, just a stupid single parent with two kids.

That is until I found out that not anymore everyone’s empathize towards her needy-queeny-attitude. Enough is enough, and they had it with her. It’s just that they hadn’t had it like I’ve had it with her enough to tell her to screw her problems cause I’ve got plenty. And so, just yesterday, I did what I should’ve done months ago.

It was a nuisance to me that, instead of re-defining herself and looks up to why her friend had to confronted her, she wondered why I felt such way about her. She was something. Apparently she never thought that she ever have to feel guilty cause, of course, she never cost an annoyance to other people.

Well… OR SO SHE THOUGHT!

There’s still a lot to say about her… but why bother.

Lots of love!

these rides i rode

2009-03-14T01:02:00.002+09:00

Here I am I guess… trying to define myself yet again after a long while not defining... anything. I don’t even know if I still had it in me now that I haven’t wrote anything for almost 2 years! But then again, I believe that it has always been sort of my nature to do so. So… starting now bitches.

I consider my life these past two years was a joyful ride I will never overlook. Lots of ups and downs, that’s for sure (what’s so me without those?). Maybe I should start with a fairly love-story I had 7 months ago with Bali holding significant part as the setting. It was him the first bad-guy in my life (we know we ought to have one), he looked all bad, unpredictable, unusual. At first facing this guy I was all scared and stuff wanting to fly back to Jakarta immediately, 2 weeks passed I kept on coming back to him. There was something different with this guy, I thought, and you wouldn’t think swimming on the beach at midnight naked is something you’d do even occasionally, or driving to mountains; no destinations; nowhere to go; ‘high’; bottomless; and to top it all, lost! It was all new with him. Aside from all that fun we had together, we just don’t match for each other. We fight all the time. Five months of us forcing things to happen, we called it quit. It’s a real shame; we could make a great couple (at least that’s what I thought).

Back in Jakarta for 2 months now, and apparently his business took him to Jakarta. I’m sensing both of us wouldn’t want to let go all the fun we had back then, so just this afternoon when he text me for a hook-up, I said yes. Not getting back together, just hooking up. Looking forward for it.

The 2 months

Back in Jakarta and have absolutely nothing to do, I went to the shop to earn some cash. Went to the usual club we all go. Search for possible future boyfriend that’s for sure. I found one just 3 weeks ago. I really, really liked him as I glanced through his photos and I knew I met him before. So the really-liking part of me asked for his number and he giving me all that we-should-get-to-know-each-other-first attitude, and I was all dude-it’s-a-phone-number-and-not-that-I-want-your-keys. Loathed his guts, I replied ‘yea… sure’ and not a single message after. And then of course, I met him on YM. We talked not more than 10 minutes when he asked me to come along to this party at a club and he just gave me his number. No la-la-la, just him:081---! I wouldn’t say no to club, so I said yes. I told him though that I would confirm to him on that Saturday (hell, I don’t need to confirm, I’m positively going!). so we went to the club, and it was actually fun going out with him and his friends. I wouldn’t say it was totally, unbelievably F-U-N, for he’s rather busy texting than dancing. But he did give me heads up on this bad habit of his, so I didn’t take notes.

The next day, we went to a hotel to ‘cuddle’, or so we said. Did this and that, and I noticed something’s off; was those messages so important that he couldn’t stop? But then, perhaps those were important and I’m being too cynical. So we he asked me for a movie the next day, happily I said yes. He said we’re going to watch 2 movies I already watched, but since I was to happy to went out with him, I didn’t mind. Blind dating and Push, and those messages still with us. We never saw each other nor we have any intentions to ask each other out ever since. Again, it’s a real shame! I really liked him! But with him, it was more like double date; him with his Nokia and me with my imaginary date. At one point, I wonder, did we have a threesome back then?

Yesterday

Me, Dewi (my sister) and her clique went to Loewy (a supposedly hip and trendy, and might I add, over-priced place for sight-seeing at the center of Jakarta). The place was nice, filled with mostly cute guys, and I’m loving every second of it when the cute guy wearing white, sitting in front of me looking cute and all. A lemon juice costs me my 50’s I’ll never see again. Not as expensive as HardRock I know, but I love HardRock! Overall, I love the place, maybe occasionally?

After that, we went to Aphrodite for some free-flow drinks. Just around the area. The place really looked like bars you’d usually saw in Americans soap opera shows. A typically Americans bar, filled with Caucasians and class-C Indonesian hookers. Beers and pools. Soccer and French fries. The place couldn’t go anymore testosterone! We drank beers! We took Gin and Tonic! We grabs French fries! I ate Zuppa soup and mashed potatoes. The place was actually quiet okay, it was a different perspective for me and I enjoyed it from 9 pm to 10 pm. The rest was just not okay! We went home at 12 after dancing to the 80’s songs! Grease and the gang!

Lots of Love!

iMac for sale

2008-07-29T20:24:00.003+09:00

i'm more than prepared now to let go of my old lovely iMac... who has been with me for the past 5 years, it should be hard for me... but then i got a new one... so... (what a bad owner am i?)

ok, i'm letting him (the iMac) for Rp. 6.000.000,- (negotiable) and his specifications are as following...

iMac G4
macOsX 10.2
256 DDR SDRAM
60GB HardDisk
and has been a good friend of mine... :001_smile:

ok... if you really are interested, please send mail to me at:

Biquarantine@yahoo.com

p.s. out of towners, please prepared more fees for sending the package out of town of course :)

capital BOREDom

2008-05-22T08:53:00.006+09:00

(BLONDE)

(RED)

how bored am i? it shows the minute i post this blog.. yep... for a busy house-wife like me to log in and post new blog lately seems pretty impossible (or is it that i'm pretendin to be all busy when i'm not)...

so... as of me today, i'm pretty much the same me couple months ago... wee bit of change tho... wee tiny bit thing like me and a friend have decided to make a photographic work together, and we called us 'phutugenic'. isn't that just cute?! if any of you needed like a still life photo for food, fashion photographic, or anything there is, look for us okay! well.. you mite need some proof of how good we are by looking at our portfolios for sure... and that you will surely get! just contact us first... :-)

another thing.. i kinda went blonde last week.. and the result was greater than i imagined (as seen on attachment). loved loveddd it! and so, seeing how great it was, stupid me bleached it all over again and hoped for the result to be even whiter than before... i was aiming for that look... as you all can guess, after 8 times of bleaching, my hair went ballistic and decided that they want to leave me and one by one they fell off... leave me only the left and top side of hair... as imbalance as it was, i shaved the left side and that leave me the top (at least the trend called mohawk) and i topped it with deep red...

anyway...

Lots of Love!

pervert shows

2008-02-16T08:33:00.001+09:00

I’ve heard from a friend that ‘lord of dance’ is so hot nowadays… and as I quote him, it’s ‘so addictive’… is it really? With the word ‘shower time’ or whatever it is, my brain assumed it’s a show where naked guys taking shower sexily with oohh and aahh down to a sexy progressive music where the audience could dance along whilst aroused by the sexy naked guys taking shower. I have to say, I will never say no to that! It’s just too bad that fpi wont allow any of that, and even if they do, you can only imagine the tax bill one club has to pay in order to perform such shows. Although, I’ve heard of one club, Alexis, which has similar type show according to one close friend of mine. She said that on special events, they perform a live sex show between, of course, a man and a woman doing foreplay with sexy oily skin mixed with sweats all over their body on a glass box reminisced of an aquarium. Sadly… When Mr. Happy breaching towards Mrs. Cheerful, the lights out and it’s time for sexy naked dancers (woman of course… sigh). Half naked shows are more popular in this munafik country. Let’s take my favorite club for example. Half naked woman shows are simply the main daily menu that filthy old horny bastards hunger for. The women danced to a song and at précised moment they tangled their lingerie slowly in consistent with the melodies. I have to say, some of them got great boobies. But for most, their doctors should get an E for bad transplants. 4 dancers perform simultaneously on a round stage and market their kiss and faux-affections in exchange of bonuses. Audiences are allowed to pick one of their favorites for a lap dance and one shot of red tequila mouth to mouth. Cost them only a hundred and twenty per shots including their sexy topless dancer dancing around their lap deliberately intended to fashion a hard on just so that he will booked her for a night out after the show (ka ching.. she’s makin money). Another scene at the only gay bar in Jakarta, Heaven. Average type body hunk, half naked with oil (it’s a must), dancing duet with other average type body hottie touching each other as if they’re doing foreplay (but with underwear… pleaseee…) that guarantee a hard on for their audiences. I never personally see it (then again… I rarely go there. Not such a nice place and music they got), but a friend have informed me that on special events, their go-go boys danced til naked with their wee-wee hanging and swinging. Ahhh… lust… passion… desire… they’re all over now and yet… nobody’s there to share the rage of getting physical with emotional attached on the side. What’s left is someone purposely for merely sexual… Well, I guess that’ll do! ☺

Lots of Love!

naive me...

2008-02-16T08:33:00.000+09:00

Should I check my self into the naïve or stupid box for believing in chat rooms? And I have to add… chatting on yahoo messenger with stranger I don’t even know let alone long distance! I may have been loved with sugary words and fonts and dirty cam shows that has led me to bad sleep hours, sold myself on cam showing dirty things also, and the worst… Surrendered my heart… to someone I barely know (ow, that’s just tacky). Should I say that from now on, I’m never going to chat on those chat rooms ever again and talk with strangers overseas (I could be that cynical).

Naïve me… sigh… nahhh… stupid me.

Anyway... That’s just an opening of my life today… continuing on sharing every bit of my life…

Last night, we’re supposedly going to sun city for Tere had invited us all to go there. But then, my sister told me to accompany her to her shop today because she has to deliver some cables to her client. She told me that we’ll be back around 3 pm, so I said yes (usually she’d be heading back around 4 pm, and 4 pm road is just disgustingly jammed! Never I said yes to a 4 pm road back home). So… for the cause of waking up early to go to the shop, we had to say no to Tere and the drunken gang. 4 o’clock and still can’t sleep; it’s so not me to go offline. Went online and checking couple mails and suddenly it’s 6.30 am! Will not miss ciggy time…. :D

Am now outside and inhaling the heavenly cancer-cause cigs and sipping morning coke (not the best morning drink I have to say). Tonight another plan going to the favorite club.. yay… it should be fun tonight for I have thought of a guy to asked along. Well… a friend of mine that’s not yet introduced to me and I think it’s the right time for the fix up.

Ow… just illegally download from a friends CD! A great progressive compilation! Including stoop it, fly away, el ritmo, rusty guitar and lots more! Kewl!

Lots of Love!

Chinese New Year

2008-02-11T13:22:00.000+09:00

First of all, I would like to say happy Chinese New Year to ya’ll! And it has been a great one this year, not because of the angpao I was getting, but more of experience I acquired. And beside, according to Chinese horoscope, this is my year, which is the year of rat. And many many magazines have said that this year is great for me (not that I believe of any of that, but how I hope so).

And so, last Thursday was the first day of Chinese New Year and visiting relatives is on the menu. I visited like 3 houses and sitting on the very back seat of the car is making me dizzy (for the trip to one house takes like half an hour). I was wearing my ‘voulez vous touché moi pistol’ polo and jeans completed with my semi-formal fake LV. At every stop, I ate the food they’re making, and that’s how my jeans button was popped out and haven’t fixed it since. The night, we went to one usual club and drunk ourselves out. I touched the point where I’m seeing things that beyond any explanations. Like one of my friends face is suddenly looked very old with wrinkles on her face. Not only me, my sister said she saw a headless man holding a shirt, a granny sitting next to my friend, and a little kid standing next to the railing. And another friend also told me that my face was bloated. But still, fun was all over the place that night. The symptoms were saying that we’re all having a paranoia syndrome for we’re all too high.

Friday night we went again. A friend, Tere, invited us for her friends Chinese New Year party at the hottest and most expensive karaoke in town, Sun City. The interior of the karaoke room was fantastically European ambiance. With Michael Angelo’s paintings on the ceiling and renaissance furniture all over the place, the place couldn’t go anywhere wrong. They almost made me stripped on the stage. Thank god I still have human sense of decency that stopped me from taking all my clothes off, unlike my dance opponent that took his clothes off, showing his very round belly (looked so bitchy and gay, and he took advantage of my drunkenness, he kissed me! Shoot!). My brother in law saw me almost too drunk he gave me H5 just to lower the liquor level on my liver. We left the place around 4 am and went to Bun Ong after.

Last Saturday was the big event at the usual club we planned from weeks before. Should’ve start with karaoke at around 7 pm, instead, waiting for my sister touched up her make up we arrived at 10 pm. The night went ok, just not as good as last Thursday when we’re on the sofa. The people in that room was all just seems too individualistic. The ambiance was all wrong despite the fact that one of my friend almost over dosed! Thanked god that he did not! He went home right after he’s a bit sober and safely home for all we know. We all know that Tere is all about betting. That night she betted a lot! She told primus and me that if we kiss together for 10 minutes, she’d be giving us 1 mil. Of course there was no bet made between her, primus and me, 10 minutes is too long for a kiss! But she’s fun. :D. she’s also really like to give people a lap-drink as we said, it’s when she’s forcibly give a shot of Martell by sitting on your lap. Dang you Tere! ☺

Through all the fun I had the last couple of days, I did missed someone…

Lots of Love!

morning entry with filthy ciggy

2008-02-03T09:59:00.000+09:00

Opening a new business in Jakarta is not as easy as it sounds. Especially if you have to start from zero. Unlike any other rich man’s son who can inherit their fathers business and start from CEO to head of CEO if there’s any, I had none to inherit (seeing that my father possessed not one building residing at the center of Jakarta). I’m not saying that no business my fathers running through his days is dead, but then, there’s always my brother and sisters to continue his work (and not my field I might add). That’s why, as the last son and the person who don’t know a thing about electricity, I’m not putting my hands on it. Luckily, my mother gave birth to her 5th child with a set of creative and talented brain. Unlucky for her, there’s always a catch. Being gay is one of them. Then again, creative, cute and fashionable has always linked to gay-ish attitude for guys (wow, cute is a strong word and I used it to portray a bobby? How certain…). Being creative has made me of who I am now. Not me whose income is based on uncertain freelance jobs, but me whose certain of that one-day where I’ll rise to become someone.

It’s 7.44 am now, with parents out on their morning walk, I’m free downstairs to smoke this filthy cigarettes and drink gassy coca-cola. I’m not sure if people allowed drinking soft drinks in the morning, but they sure taste good. I was supposed to sleep around 6 am. After half an hour trying, I decided to go downstairs and go online again. Apak’s not around. Feeling a little sleepy now, but 10 is the hour when all my sisters planned to go to mangga dua. Better wait if I want to go. Well… I’m in no position of going to mangga dua actually. First of all, I just went there like 3 days ago? Then I’m tired facing the crowds (considering that it’s Sunday and mangga dua is unquestionably full of crowds bargaining for cheaper price). And I don’t have anything in mind that I want to buy. But… The fear of facing home alone the whole day wiped that whole ‘mangga dua? I don’t think so!’ away. So yes, it’s now 8 and still 2 hours to go. I can handle 2 hours! Duh! Just have to buy a Kratingdaeng to pump this deadbeat body of mine.

Actually… I do need to talk about something about someone here in this blog of mine. But don’t you all think that it’s unfair for me to talk about that someone when I know that that someone read all my posts religiously? Yea… think so too! So, lets just keep it inside. ;-P

Lots of Love!

no one...

2008-02-01T13:56:00.000+09:00

It’s been a while since Jakarta is pouring rain so hard like today. And it doesn’t stop my mother to energetically renovate the upstairs living room. Four helps, eight hands turned out is not enough for her that she also need my smooth hands (which now, not so much). So, just after sending my nephews to their playgroup, I was asked to go upstairs and clean the filthy mess that my sister made. With her room being renovated, some of her stuff is being put in the living room while the rest is sitting messily in my room. Dust is all over the living room. Not expecting my sister to clean her own mess, my mother forcibly asked me to cleaned it. A good son I am, I cleaned it without complaining. My level of temper back then is in moderate position, until I saw my sister sitting downstairs watching ‘cinta fitri’ (a supposedly prominent TV series in Indonesia). Tossed a tampon off my hands, I went downstairs and yelled, then back to my room. Goddarn, I had a room of my own to clean and she’s just resting with chitato on one hand and remote on the other! That is just so her. My room is still a mess now for her stuff is still in here and she’s in the next door, cleaning her room with of course… help. Uh uh, am not helping her now. She did ask my opinion on how about re-designing her room. Well, with a lot of her stuff, can’t say much except to not letting her buy another furniture.

The rain is still pouring as I glanced over my windows. Dark skies have always made me feel so blue. And today, perhaps it’s even worse. Can’t say why, don’t think I even know why. Listening to upbeat songs of Britney Spears does not wipe away anything. Should I open my cart of pink poster paint and paint it over? Should I go out to OC café and feel the ocean breeze with a glass of iced lemon tea and a plate of burger for only Rp. 8000,-? Nahh… I think I’m better off here, in my room, listening to Mulan Jameela latest song (kinda getting bored tho). In a way, I think the rain has held me captive in my own room. Tired of going anywhere. Anyway I don’t really like walking through puddles, my white sandal won’t allow me…

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cause
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one….
Can get in the way of what I’m feeling
No one, no one, no one….
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

Dang! Why the iTunes played this song! If my feeling is a bruise, maybe the color has changed into purplish blue.

Otakmu seksi, itu terbukti, dari caramu memikirkan aku
Matamu seksi, itu terbukti, dari caramu menatap aku

Aku seperti ada di dalam penjara… cintaaaa mu

Kamulah makhluk tuhan, yang tercipta, yang paling seksi
Cuma kamu yang bisa.. membuatku terus menjerit
Aw aw aw.. uh uh uh

Yay yay… Mulan Jameela (and not a dangdut singer people!)

It is now 11.26 pm, I’m Bobby Eddy Usmady, signing off… see you again fellas!

Lots of Love!

8 be a lucky number?

2008-01-28T20:16:00.000+09:00

Wow.. days being counted, it’s been 88 days since the last time I’ve written anything. Good number I must say. Funny thing, today, as my brother-in-law bragged to us, he received Rp.8.880.000. well, yea, I know it does not have anything to do with anything. Anyway… it’s been a while since I’m being a softies and wrote my problems and begging for attention from my regular readers (and not a long list I might add). But of course, I cannot let my fans down just because I am now happy and all that. And so, here I am, begging for another kind of attention (what is up with me?! Sick bastard!) and besides, a new fans have requested me to post a new entry because with his word... my blogs are boring! What the…?! here's for you apak! :D

The last post was about me talking about love in particular way, which got my self confused. And also about certain sister and her on-and-off relationship with her boyfriend. Now, I seldom think about love and my sister broke up with that boyfriend two weeks ago. That goes to a new saying: singles are contagious! Are they really? Well, if it not because of a friend who’s recently break up for sure with her cheating boyfriend… my sis wouldn’t have the guts to make a list of ‘pro n cons’ and break up with her ‘also’ cheating boyfriend (I can’t say for sure that he’s cheating, but I’m damn sure he lied a lot!)

And just this evening, we went to gang gang sulai to filled our fat belly with nasty beef, chicken and squid, which actually tasted great (but after 4 plates, it taste like shit!). Only for 45.000 per person! Great price.

Why do I tell today stories when you might wonder where I’ve been missing for the last 3 months eh? (OMG, who am I that you might wonder?)
Anyway I’m still going to share the last 3 months of mine. In short of course!

I met a new circle of friends just the last few months. Not quiet a good circle I have to say, but they’re fun! And the more fun is, my sisters and bro in-law are also in the same circle (so I don’t have to share my time for them again, hohhoho).

November was all about starting to know a new club, lots of hookers inside (like I give a shit!) and sugar daddy with lots of money (like I care! They’re straight anyway! LOL), and mommy’s boy holding daddy’s credit cards (spoiled little brats). I went there a lot with my sisters and friends. we all wanted to stop going there, but there were always a reason to go there, like someone’s birthday, someone’s heartbroken, someone’s bla bla bla… it was there when I met this guy, a 28 years old quiet-cute guy, asking for my number. I was high; I gave him mine without any doubts. Half an hour later, he called me and asked me to meet him outside and talk with him. So I went there, leaving my sisters and friends, to his car and talk. We kissed bla bla bla… the rest is history until one day he stopped contacting me, and so I stopped contacting him. But until now, I still go to that club.

December was all about this new circle I’m in now. They’re all straight, girls and boys, they know I’m gay and they’re fine with it. Girls may be disappointed and boys may feel threatened, but with time overdue, we went along just fine (the boys are not my types anyway. LOL). This new circle is also about clubs and stuff, that’s why we (me n my sisters) went to that club even more. The best one was the new years night out. I wore my ‘only guys’ polo and we club until the sun came up. There were almost 20 people inside the sofa we’re in and everybody’s happy! That night, I’m not feeling lonely like the other days before, I was with my sisters and friends!

And January is all about alcohols! I met this new friend, which turned out to be my friend back then when we used to play ice-skating. She’s an alcohol fans all right. We went a couple of times with her and served with Martell vsop the least. And whenever we went out with her, we had to play games with her group and loser drinks the shot prepared by the loser before on the table. Once I played this game with her, 2 shots min and 4 shots max! pure martell never goes wrong, I puke like 10 times or more that night and having the worst hang over the next day! I can still even feel the smell of it (well… not literally speaking). Ahhh… the temptations are way bigger than my head thinking clearly….

My room is now like the community room for all people! I hate it but what can I say?! I’m stuck! The house I live now is the place where all the friends went to before we’re going out somewhere, it’s like the meeting point. And talking downstairs is not gonna do, because my parents bedroom is downstairs. And so, they have to go upstairs if we wanted to talk freely. All my sisters room upstairs are all packed with they’re things, and the least furniture is my room. So, there you go! Trying to have a minimalist room will get back at you! My room is all messed up because of them, I have to re-do my room one of these days for sure! And they named my room ‘kamar putih’, since all my furniture is simply white! :D

Lots of Love!

what or what?!?!?

2007-11-04T11:01:00.000+09:00

According to Ewan McGregor, the greatest thing you’ll ever learn to love and be loved in return. He’s nowhere near wrong. Fights come and goes, small things becomes big, from difference of opinions to pride that has to be saved. When you learnt love, those things are like a rocky road; it’s annoying but you went through the road anyway.

Fights over lies are a whole other thing, and once a bastard indeed always a bastard.

Second chance led to other chances and before you know it he’s cheating under your nose and lied without a single guilt on his mind. Your love is what usually provides those chances for him, and when you realize things, it’s getting harder; for each day your love is getting deeper and deeper. So when you feel like you can’t stand it anymore, you break him up. And when he comes with his sweet surrender, and your feelings were bubbling together along with what you thought was some sweet memories, you gave in with nothing like ‘he’ll lie again’ crossed your thought.

But I have to say, people do change. Once always a bastard to a lovey loversons. Then comes series of questions like ‘how to know that one is changing?’, ‘do they have to reach certain age to change?’, ‘is being immature have anything to do with anything?’, ‘what if there’s some who will never change?’

‘Will love help?’

I’ve always thought that love was overrated. But now I’m standing on the edge between two concepts that contradict each other. When I say that love indeed help so much, am I overrating it? But I really do think that love aid. And so, when I say that when you really love somebody you could never deliberately hurt him or her, am I overrating it again? Then again, I really do think that way.

I’ve had what I thought was love, I cheated. Now that I think about it, it was not love; it was just some blurred thing I false implied as love. So if someone ask me I will held my head high and say I never been in love.

I’ve also experienced the love someone had me reaching stars, he ended it. His sweet lips might have said love and spread love as he sprinkle tab water to his garden. Still, he ended things equivalent with blurred thing he false implied with love. So, I doubt that his love was true.

Do I still think that once a bastard always a bastard? The answer would be ‘yes’ and ‘no’.

‘yes’ to : no he will never change no matter how many chances you gave him. He lied and cheated on you and that usually translate to he does not love you!

‘no’ to : he used to be a bastard, but once he found his true love, he’ll never hurt his love intentionally.

Got me? Cause I don’t!

This is all so, me stating love in such apparent ways when I do realize that love indeed a lot more complicated that just yes or no, black or white. While writing, I did thought; what if maybe he doesn’t love you at first and purposely hurt you, but over time, after couple of rides he rode, knowledge he experienced, he realized that you’re the one and love you truly ever since. Complication is the one thing that makes it all interesting to experience.

It’s been a rough day for my sister. The climax of her premenstrual syndrome and her boyfriend got caught lying… again! My previous posts are some evidence of the ‘again’ I was talking about. She’s been nothing but loyal and understanding (I should know, I’m her brother) when he reasoned being tired and all but god knows what he’s doing (2 days sleeping?? Come on!). Fucking annoying bastard that’s just not worth everything she was giving. Excuse my French, but I’m just over the top hating this guy. The news my sister gave me doesn’t make me hate him more, I just couldn’t.

I don’t know how many times I’ve uttered my feelings about this non-sense creepy guy and explain with so many words that he’s just not worth it. None works effectively! She’s just crawling back to his bedding of lies and hoped miracles working their ways up to her lap. Miracles got lost; she’s back with heavy loads of pain. With her own word, she was ‘mentally abused’. And now, the only thing I want her to comprehend and keep in mind is that it’s tough being single, but it’s tougher when you’re in a single relationship (relationship takes two! Doh! Both sides stories, both sides love!)

Note…
It may have been a tough day for my sister, but it’s been a tough weekend on my account. Three days of clubbing really takes it out of you. I sensed it was time for me to stop… last week. Doin it, doin it, I’m doin it well!

Lots of Drinks!

siblings nite out

2007-10-25T15:26:00.000+09:00

I have a thought… if relationships are hard, why bother having one? But then… I have another thought; it’s harder to be alone. Unavoidable word for all singles out there. It’s true, god did made humans meant to be paired.

This sort of rush feelings that we usually get on our first date, well I gotta say, that’s the best! New feelings that are about to bound together as one, the rush of talking about the futures ahead together as a couple. Getting to know each other, the missing and everything… the things we only get on the pre-relationship we mostly missed after relationship runs in quiet a while. Come to think about it, maybe that’s the reason why back then all my relationships was so…. Dry. Though, I’m sure out there, there’s someone who can always make me feel like on the first date even though it’s our 5th anniversary. And in return, I will make sure that I’m the best that one person ever gotten a.k.a heaven on earth!

When I’m feeling happy and positive about my single relationship with myself, both my sisters were having problem with theirs. Fights really indeed common in relationships. Some were made-fights to spice up the connection, some were just stupid fights over stupid little things, some were real fights that was led by all those stupid little fights… and when it happened, it’s as if a cue for clubbing night and dance our ass off!

2 years of relationships, I say quiet a long period of togetherness. Way passed the getting-to-know-each-others-ugly-side. Maybe a time for sacrificing ones habit for the other one after the proposal handed over. We all knew it was not her time to change when he, forcibly, asked her. And she was all ‘why can’t he accept me for who I am? I can’t wear this and that, I can’t even use this ribbon!’ (And showing her rather childish ribbon and hey, non problemo). She drank much that night and still she was feeling rather blue and not in the mood. Then, around 3, he showed up putting his ego down… and yes, she’s back on track!

7 years, 2 babies popped, and too many dramas later, through all the unnecessary fights and the last fight just before we went out to drunk our asses off, they’re still care for each other. The sweetest thing happened on the dance floor, while dancing with me, she called him and said that she loves him and he said he love her too always, with upbeat love song in the air (and might I add, lots of smoke filled the air too!) hung up the phone she hugged me crying. It was 2 am, feeling better after the call she just made we danced until 7 am.

Have fun sisters?

Lots of Love!

'secret'

2007-10-23T22:00:00.000+09:00

A friend I met recently at yahoo messenger spoke to me about this DVD that’s apparently changed his lives (I can’t say changed his lives in whole, maybe changed his point of view). The ‘secret’ they called it. Definitely I remembered talking about that certain DVD to other friend I talked earlier. I remember it clearly because it was when I said I am a negative person, then he came endorsing the ‘secret’ to me which I directly said no to. And so, when I heard this friend hand over the idea again, I was ready to say no when he shut me up and talk and talk and talk about this ‘secret’ and how it changed his life point of view and that it made him a whole new person. He really scared me, I never see him in such situation, a blabber I might say. Never before, for 11 years we’ve been friend, I saw his side of stubbornness. Intrigued (and scared a bit), I googled it. ‘The law of attraction’ was the main key to this ‘secret’, and that was the best I could get. He insisted that I should buy the book and better yet watched the DVD, and to promised him that I will buy the DVD the next day. Avoiding his odd bizarre approach, I said yes and log off with no intention to buy anything the next day for I will be hell busy cleaning the house.

And so, I was being a very good son, cleaning the house (while cursing my life), I washed the clothes, I ate, I drank, I napped. It was 7 p.m when my sisters and in-law wanted to pick something and asked me to watched Nathan in their room. While he’s playing alone with his board (which he made believed to be a fan), I explore their messy room and hoping that I would find the matrix movie I’ve been craving for the last few days. Then there it was, the ‘secret’ DVD, just laying there not yet to be opened, sealed. There’s no wonder how she got it in the first place, she has a pile of being-positive book under her dirty clothes. My curiosity level back then was over the top that I took it and opened the seal without asking permission (anyway they were out). Nathan was still playing, alone, so I went to my room next door to watched it.

It was brilliant!

As I watched the program, I don’t know why but I can’t stop smiling. I was maybe a bit overwhelming at first, but then as I thought about it, smiling is not going to harm me, why not?! I had the thought of that it was just made-believe, and that it was just so people feeling good about themselves. Well that’s the whole point isn’t it? Feel good about yourself, feeling grateful of what you have, always focusing on what you want and act on it! Sadness and misery comes all the time, don’t focus on that, focus on what you have and you feel good about. For me, ok I don’t have the perfect relationship, I don’t have a great career…

the truth is, it’s not ‘DON’T’, it’s just ‘NOT YET’!

Positively, I’m sure I will have all that in no time! Meanwhile, I’m just going to be grateful on what I do have, a great family, the good life, the good food I ate, good friends, great hair, cute looking ;-), talented, creative, etc. And now I don’t understand why I let someone-who-breaks-my-heart getting me all down the last few weeks when I have all the above that I dearly possessed all these times… it’s just stupid! Or as my friend would say… stupido idioto!

Lots of Love!

masquerade

2007-10-10T07:52:00.000+09:00

Your sweet lips said yes to me the first time I knew you
Your sultry eyes showed cared the first time we met
Your soft hands caressing gently through my skin
I fell through deep hole you made and I’m trapped

But you left…
Left me thinking that it was all just another show you performed
a magnificent show that has blinded my eyes

Life is a theater; people have their own part
I am as blank as everybody else to know how my story would go
Let alone a story in addition of a role within a role
So how was I to know that you would break my heart?

If this is what it is, and my negative thoughts were real…
You deserved an award for the role that you played
And sincerely, I applaud you

Someone has fooled me not long before you
Someone who played a double role inside my tale
I have never been wrong in recognizing the type
But I missed one, and it was you
I saw you and you were not once showing that you are the type
I have always thought that it was your inattentiveness personality
And dealing with that I was beginning to feel ready

Your line of honesty has opened my eyes
I thanked you for coming clean with me
You knew I need constant convincing
The one thing you’re tired of giving
And my pessimistic presumption was:
That it was all planned by you intended to drive me away
You made it, you drove me away…

I may have been somewhat immature the night I called you
It was never my intention to do so and I have to apologize
I can say it was hard for me to face the fact
But I never hated you and never I will
Truth be told, I’m being grateful of what you did
You are another lesson I had to elapse to reach the end

Another immature behavior I possessed had erased you off my phone
It was not my smartest move, don’t look down on me ☺
I can promise you, if we bump into each other somewhere
I will politely ask how have you been doing
Just like what I did with that someone who fooled me before

i am free now, for you have provided a stairs for me to climb
to climb off the hole i was trapped in
and now... if it is not too much to ask
i'm begging for you to loose the stairs
just so i'm not voluntarily and easily...
enter your deep hole ever again

Lots of Love!

bye bye bitch

2007-10-07T05:25:00.000+09:00

It may not be some kind of a new years resolution. But at least, I’m thinking it’s time for me to change. I don’t really know if it’s possible or not for me to let go of my bitchiful sentiment, but at least I’m going to try my best.

When did it all started? Well, it comes from a dear friend. And I’ve known him since junior high school. I thought he knew I am that bitchy… umm.. Actually he knew, but I think he didn’t handle with it very well. So, just last week, on YM (I kinda forgot what exactly he said to me, but I’m just going to explain the essence of the story). So on YM, he told me that he just downloaded the 2nd part of American Next Top Model cycle 9. And of course I was psyched! I love ANTM sooo darn much! I asked him right away to put it in USB and the next time we meet to bring it. He was on a sensitive mood he told me, so when he felt I was forcing him all the time, he said ‘a simple thank you would’ve been nice’, I knew I should use my manner and said ‘thank you, you are so nice’ in a polite yet sincere way. Instead, I was sort of pulling a joke and said ‘thank you Robertino’ in a making-fun kind of way.

Insulted, he confronted me right away…
‘I’m tired Bobby!’
‘I’m tired of you, you’re such a diva!’

That’s where I knew I was over the line. But still, saving my pride, I yelled back! I kind of forgot what exactly did I say, but I’m sure I said ‘try to say NO to me! If you never told me what you felt about all those things, then how should I know?! I am not a psychic you know!’

Robert, you really are a nice friend! And I’m sorry for treating you like that. Promise that I’ll change (I’ll try my best, just don’t expect too much). So we cool? ;-)

One last thing… Before I’m trying to change a little of my attitude, I would really like to empty my negative thoughts about other people that I hated. So I’m just going to spill it. I’m not going to put names; instead I’ll replace it with numbers…

1. You are so fake! If you don’t really posses something, don’t act like it. Social awareness of you wouldn’t get you anywhere. And I think it has something to do with your immaturity. You and your so-called clique should learn a lot. There’s more to it than just wealth and pride. Some are fortunate, some don’t, some black and some white, and a lot of other differences, but we are all the same human being.
2. You are so stupid! He cheated on you THREE times and still you wouldn’t hear what we’re trying to say to you? Instead you kept on listening to his ‘je ne sais qua’ bullshit. He lived near his boss, his boss is a cheater, what do you expect?! I’m not being negative, but it’s been three times, THREE times! I never want to meddle into others relationship, but you are close to me…
3. I hated you, you hurt my close one! You cheated on her three times and you still have the guts to faced me?! And talk to me?! I hated you the first time you cheated, I felt like I will never forgave you, but then she asked me to cause she loves you so much, and I gave in and welcomed you back. But bastard, you lied, and you cheated again! What kind of animal are you?!
4. You played a lot of games towards me back then. I should’ve known your type, but I was just too naïve I guess. I just don’t understand how human being could be so full of tricks.
5. You talked about him too much! It’s driving me insane… arghhhh… is there anything better for me to listen than some junk about how you realized he was the one that you shoved through my ears?
6. You are cute and I like you. But what did we talk about? Games? star wars? Myanmar?! Uh uh… i gotta tell you I am smart, but I’m not encyclopedia smart OK. I’m lost most of the time when I’m with you. oh, and i'm begging you not to play with my heart! i'm too old for that kind of games anyway! i just needed a goddamn simple relationship! is that too much to ask?
7. You really know how to make me feeling guilty. And I despised you for that.
8. I knew you were into looks and stuff, but you tried to deny it when I confronted you. The question is… would you still have the courtesy to ask me to stay over at your place if I’m overweight? I’m guessing NOT. hey, I’m not judging ppl who are into appearance, I AM anyway one of them… just be frank!
9. You are the greatest. If you don’t own both right and left hand, I would be honored to open doors for you. But hey, you DO OWN them! Stop being such a diva when you knew you’re NOT!
10. You wear too much make up; you looked like a Halloween clown. Did you ever notice that?
11. You cried all the times… my my… Ahhhhhh!!!! Why? You are spoiled little bitch aren’t you?! But it’s ok, you are cute most of the times
12. I have no idea how many times have I told you not to pupu on the pants!! I yelled, I shouted, I ignored, I threatened, even I compared… but you never listen eh? What are you sick or something that you can’t say ‘uncle I want to pupu’?!?! was it too hard for you?! Aside from the pupu thing, you are still my favorite of the two…
13. It’s funny how when we entered your room, we can’t even touch your bed sheet but when it comes to you entering our room… you are just as free as a bird sitting on our beds doncha?? Are you really that selfish slut?
14. You’ve got bigger figure than the others, and me and yes you threatened us vigorously. But you are just a little mini coward when it comes to your friends, am I right? Fucking pathetic loser!
15. Both of you are totally one of a kind, and you are totally made for each other! You both have so many similar personalities and have lasted for years. I envy you on that part. But you both are just an accusing couple who like blaming every negative things to other people, am I correct?! Bitches! Stop pointing your finger at me; you know I could do a lot worse!

It’s really tiring eh, pulling out negative thoughts… ☺
It’s still a long list, but I felt rather sick thinking the negative side of people all at once. This does not include long-lost fake friends; I might be out of control if I wrote about them… anyway…

Lost of Love!

P.S. when I judged the above list people, I do know that I have some negative points too and I’m being self-critical about it. Just reminding, so you’re not thinking that I’m some of those judgmental psycho who didn’t read himself.

this guy

2007-10-04T15:31:00.000+09:00

I went online… again! I didn’t know anything better to do! Poor me… anyway, I went online, but back then I promised myself I wont sign in to IRC and sticking to Yahoo Messenger only just to catch up the latest gossip with some of my friends. And none of them online! Checking all mails done, downloading Aly & AJ’s ‘potential break up song’ done, downloading Amadeus 1.5.3 done… and so I turned on IRC (Arghhhhh!!!). Some people on the channel mostly they knew that DonJuahn was my nick, persisting on I don’t want anybody knew I was online; I used the nick [click`me`im`cute]. I don’t normally using nick like ‘cute’, ‘hot’, ‘handsome’ or anything similar, anyway I am this one insecure boy, especially lately when I gained a lot of weight and didn’t work out as much as I used to. No doubt, people who were into appearances all queried me (it’s really rare for me to be busy on the channel). There were rude people, weird psycho, old pervert, sex addict, immature puberty, and sadomasochist… and then there’s this one guy, he talked good English (well educated really turns me on, not in a sexual way btw). He talked shit, craps, cliché, whatever bullshits but then he managed to make all that interesting for me to response back. We traded pics, he insisted that I should view his profile and so I did. He’s not really my type for he looked so small. Whenever I chatted on IRC, it’s normal for people to find something, whether it was just a one-night stand, a simple date and/or perhaps potential boyfriend. How can I see my self with someone that looked like a midget?

One little thing that hit my attention was his overly confident self. He is! He talked it’s as if he can get anyone to like him, I was intrigued. The time I told myself I wont give any phone numbers that night, I gave him mine (think he doesn’t take no for an answer). He called me later that night. Thought he was in Indonesia but no, he was overseas (what’s the point?!?! Not another LDR!!). But then he told me he’s departing the next day and that he actually lives in Indonesia. Turned out, he’s a friend of my friend. And so when he made friendly date with his friend, my friend asked me to come along. Promised Elen that I would help her with her finals, I had to say no. But then, she cancelled on me (that beeyatch!) because he had to work the next day. So when he called me again to confirm, I said yes to Hot Station. I didn’t saw, but he said he did this face, this insistent solicit face he imitated from puss-the-boots on Shrek 2. It was kinda funny.

I met him. And turned out, pictures really indeed lied. He looks nothing like his pictures. His face was still the same, but he’s bigger. Doesn’t at all looked like a midget. Shoot! He’s a little babbling tho… and his face was as red as a boiled crab.

What’s with this picture?!?!

Lots of Love!

webcam & the number 5

2007-10-02T03:27:00.000+09:00

Today, my task was to deliver one letter my sister gave me earlier to the post office. And so, I went to Multiplus, an all-that business centre near my house (of course after driving my dad to the atm, he’s just too lazy). I dropped the letter to be delivered. On the way out, a couple of teenagers barged in and told the lady they wanted to use the internet. I was always curious trying on one of those webcam and perhaps sign in on one of those chatting room and use the nick ‘cam2cam`Jakut’ mite be fun! (yes, I don’t have any webcam, boohoo me!). I asked the lady that I wanted to use the internet upstairs, and she just said “you’re on number six”

Hmm… not very typical like the other internet places where I just pick wherever and whichever computer as I liked and I sat and I log in. so I went upstairs and look for number six from 40 computers there. It was at the far dark corner next to the glass window they uses to separate between smoking and non-smoking room (I felt like I was in a restaurant or something). And there, the number 5, staring at me looking cute and all, and then back to his monitor. I was starting to felt ecstatic when suddenly I found out that there’s no webcam whatsoever on all the computers. Without further ado, I went downstairs and asked the lady where did all the webcam go?! She said there were never any. So I left Multiplus. At the edge of the rolling door, I just remembered about that cute number 5… Darn, I should’ve asked for his phone number! I put down my will and went home without any new phone numbers on my phonebook (such a whore).

Home with nothing else to do, I went online. And found out that the picture of Dove that I took for one pullip contest was not eliminated and go on to the next round. The theme was Bon Appetite. I was supposed to take the photograph for I already had a couple of ideas on mind. Since Dove’s in my friends hand (it’s his), and he cannot go to my place so we decided that he’s going to continue the contest alone (I might give hands if he needed one online). He already took some photos and asked for my opinion; he’s not that bad himself. I just hope he’s not getting eliminated on the second round. Work it out bitch!

It was 5 when I thought that online at home was very… Very boring. So I went to Hot Station and used the free wireless while enjoying the view… it’s as if I always forgot that the view I’m looking for wasn’t meant to be Hot Station, it was always filled with horny 40 years old male who liked to flirt with young girls (amazingly those girls response was bitchy enough that those oldies just wont stop, then the girls started screaming bitchiful, totally annoying!). Not ONE, I repeat, NOT ONE single decent men I could lay my eyes on. I ended up downloading MP3 editor program from version tracker.

Went home at around 7, quick dinner and then to my room. Listening to new Britney Spears songs! They’re good! GOOD! I loooove ‘Got me high’ she sounds so sexy! Love love looooved her! I also like ‘it’s been a while’ and of course ‘Gimme more’, and not to be left out ‘Heaven on earth’. Nicole Scherzinger from Pussycat Dolls is totally hot too! Her duet with Rihanna ‘Winning Woman’ is a must! The best featuring since Timbaland + Nelly + JT and Beyonce + Shakira.

'Got Me High'

i love it…
everything you do is so seductive
you got, that thing that i want, and then some
and i can't even front, so listen,
i know what you're missing,
better hurry up cause time is ticking,

tick tock, tick tock

come and get me while i'm hot

Soooooooo HOTTTTT..!!!
You really got me obsessed Britney!

Lots of Britney!

Religion = Marketing Plan

2007-09-30T15:10:00.000+09:00

To me a belief is an emotional or spiritual sense of certainty. It’s not real, it’s not true, it’s just something that our mind have faith in. it comes from inside. To some it’s their God, some to their goddess, and even some to the sun. There’s nothing from real world can change that. Or can they?

Apparently, these days nothing is really impossible. People can jump off a building, lie on top of sharp nails and didn’t kill themselves. Why can’t change someone’s faith? It just takes a couple of persuasions and voila… you changed his/her God from bald to beardy and a little skinny. Or maybe from wearing a turban to six dots on His forehead?

The question is, why messed with others faith? Just so people take notice and aware that certain religion is on the map?

Maybe for one religion is to gather as much people as possible for money so they could have their charity to the poor and paid for utilities such as chairs, place, etc (am I being too positively thinking?).

Maybe if some people still confused on what faith to take, it’s fine for any religion to ‘follow-up’ and who knows, perhaps one’s interested. But to actually convinced people (who actually have faith on their own mind) to change their faith is other thing; don’t you have other better things to do? Not only you’re insulting other faith, you’re also building basic form of fanaticism.

It’s just not OK!

Lots of Love!

Bobby

2007-09-26T05:51:00.000+09:00

I watched the movie ‘Bobby’ recently, not because my name was attached big on the movie poster, but I was more psyched with the all-celebrity-cast. They have Anthony Hopkins, Helen Hunt, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Elijah Wood, Lindsay Lohan, Sharon Stone, Heather Graham, that dude played morpheus in the matrix, that kid from Transformer who I’ve heard dated Rihanna?, and many more!

The movie was drop.. dead… Boring!!

Hey, I have nothing against that senator of the united state dude whose name was Robert F. Kennedy but people called him Bobby (what was dat?). Apparently someone disliked him when he voted won for becoming president and killed him in the kitchen scene filled with lots of people who tried to get his autograph. Looking at the movie, it was a teenager who killed him with a gun right in front of his face.

Basically, the movie was about a bunch of people who lived during the scene and around the area of Hotel Ambassador a.k.a where Bobby died. Anthony Hopkins played the manager of the hotel, Helen Hunt played the wife of some rich men I presume (I know the cast, he’s quiet popular, but I don’t know his name), Demi Moore played some drunk-ass-bitch popular singer who perform before the president show up at the party, Ashton Kutcher played some hippie drug addict who sold it at the hotel to that transformer guy and got caught up by police at the end of the movie, Elijah wood played a young 19 years old boy whose apparently scared that he has to go to Vietnam to serve the country so he asked his friend Lindsay Lohan to married him (married people still serve the country but to Germany and not Vietnam at the front line) and seemingly she kinda fell in love with him. Sharon Stone played a wife of Food and Beverage manager who cheated with Heather Graham who played information board lady… and other cast that I liked was that Mexican kitchen boy, he’s quiet cute, his smile was breathtaking! Oh.. and that morpheus dude played a head chef in the kitchen. That dude who played food and beverage supervisor who got fired was quiet famous too, but I don’t recall his name…

hmmm… all and all, this movie was filled with celebrity and that was its only main attraction I must say, even the poster couldn’t fit all the celebrity names. It was not a movie, it was a documenter film! I was so wrong picking this over ‘No Reservations’.. My bad…

I just download the famous Britney troubled performance at the VMA 2007, and I think it wasn’t that bad, she must’ve lost her move because the fact that she’s a bit overweight and using that super high heels. And media just smart enough to put her worst pictures from the performance on the magazines to create a hyperbole situations of her bikini-malfunction-flubby-belly. Her dance was still hot minus the stiff moves. But the one thing that I can’t resist to complain was the lip-synch! Ok, between the dance and the overweight thing I guess it’s ok to lip-synch (Chris brown and Justin Timberlake was totally lip-synch too), at least concerned enough to do it properly! Oh.. And the hair... the hair… her hairdresser should get fired indeed!

Lots of Love!

Pullip Contest

2007-09-24T02:43:00.000+09:00

Dove
(the other one, but not the one we posted)

It all started when a friend saw a pullip-dolls contests on the internet… on no.. no no, it was all started when certain gal-pal, Robertino or should I call Lindsay Lohan (‘she’ loved it), having these craziness towards Blythe, Dal, and most recently Pullip. For information here, those name I said were all dolls (more like Bratz here) that produced in Japan (as I would like to think) and cost for unreasonable $100 each! And they also have collector items that worth up to $3000!! Lets not even mention the collector items, and still $100 for a 25cm tall doll is just a no-no, at least a no for me. Robert here, apparently is willing to spend extra money and have like eight of them (raise your hand, he called them his daughters, hallelujah!). And not to forget, all the accessories like a $30 wigs, $15 fake wings, all the fashion items, eye balls (oh yeah, just like us, they can change their eye color too!), even bigger boobies!!! Ka-Ching…

I’ve met them all, I cannot remember which one which, but I do remember Zi Yi (does.. not.. look like Zhang Zi Yi) and Dove (I have to admit, her wig is fabulous!). Started 3 weeks ago, he asked me to create fashion items for his ‘daughters’, that’s where I took Zi Yi home and created some couture (I love the term) for him. It does not end very well (bear in mind that I don’t know how to sew), the stitches all messed up. But I manage to cover it by using the same thread color, and of course saying that the theme for my couture line was ‘messy baby-doll’.

And so, he saw this pullip-photography contest on the Internet for the prize, of course, another pullip! He wanted to try, so he applied as one contestant, and asked me to help him during the entire photography take thorough the contest. He asked for my help all right, that beeyatch really pushed me over the edge, kept on asking for ideas on his 1st task (which the theme was set by the jury and it was ‘mirror’). Intended for doing the take on Sunday, I asked him to stay over on Saturday, so Sunday morning he will be ready to go to the scene. We went home a little bit late, around 2.30, and bewildered whether we should not sleep ‘til morning or sleep and wake early with alarms. We ended up brainstorming for ideas and took some sample take, probably until around 6, when we really felt sleepy and all. We slept! 7… 8… 9… 10… 11…! Quick shower and we went to the setting; it was not like what I wanted it to be (no water on the stone-cup, no waterfalls running, no nothing!). Settled on the sample-take-was-good-enough, we end up staying comfortably at free-day café and played with the wireless Internet while I enjoy my grape fruit something and Robert posted out photograph to the jury.

I just found out that the jury already received our Dove’s post and hoping we didn’t get eliminated! (Oh yes, btw, we use Dove as our model in the photograph)

Lots of Love!

graduation = exiting?

2007-09-16T01:49:00.000+09:00

Tomorrow is 16th September 2007, known to me as my graduation day. Should I be excited? If I don’t, then maybe what I’m feeling right now is just right, for I am now not really thrill about tomorrow. Felt like tomorrow is just any other day, any other Sunday morning where I usually stayed home and wait for the rest of the family member home one by one. But no, tomorrow I have to wake earlier to attend the ceremony with both my parents, it’s as if I’m urged to go there and perhaps stand there with the other students. On the other hand, my mom, someone that already booked a salon to do her hair tomorrow morning, seems more excited than I am. She kept asking what time is the ceremony and what time does it end… well, perhaps she just wanted to confirm to her karaoke friends what time will she and my dad be arriving to attend the weekly karaoke routine after the ceremonial of her son’s graduation.

I guess paying for the ceremony was a mistake then, at least for me. Not for my mom whom apparently willing to pay anything so that her son will be wearing the graduation robe (known as Toga). Other than it’s not worth the money, it’s just another pretentious party whereas the university took credit of, and not to forget the money advantage. No wonder they keep building another tower and soon (as they planned) an educational city as they called it. Technically, I am now already an S.ds the minute I received the paper back then. Guess I should just assume tomorrow as another social party I have to attend, a party without any food and drinks! Man, that party is going to suck so bad!

I don’t even know what to wear tomorrow (under the ugly Toga they gave me). They put a bow tie in the package, I’m not gonna wear them that’s for sure! Instead, a slim black fashion tie should do it.

Lots of Love!

ma prérogative

2007-09-08T15:51:00.000+09:00

I was on the way to megamal with both my nephews, Matthew and Nathan, to buy some peas for my mother. And I played ‘My Prerogative’ by Britney Spears. And suddenly on the reff, both Matthew and Nathan sang to the song!

‘Everybody’s talking all this stuff about me, why don’t they just let me live.. I don’t need permission, make my own decisions… Ow!.. That’s my prerogative…’

THEY are adorable! I smiled all the way there and home! I played the song over and over again! From then on, it’s a must when they’re in the car, we played that song! I know it’s not the first song they sang, but at least it’s the first adult song with nasty words they sang (should I be proud or pitied?) ah, anyway.. just like their uncle, they love Britney Spears!

We’re trying to get then to sang Umbrella by Rihanna, doesn’t work as good as My Prerogative. They only sang the ‘ella ella ella e e e’… they did sang the reff of ‘just like a pill’ by Pink too tho…

Beaucoup D’amour!

gimme more of britney...

2007-09-01T14:10:00.000+09:00

Britney spears! O yeah, she’s back! With her new single ‘gimme more’ featuring Timbaland! Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-head-smack-you-in-the-crotch fantastic?

Think it’s going to be so freakin cool! O my my… She’s always the best, just hopin her comeback would be even sexier and different and all over the edge! I could just picture her next video! Her songs were always great.

Can't wait to hear her latest music! O gosh, I think I never been this excited since the cartoon of a genie that comes from the future was available on television! It’s up-tempo, I’m gonna love it! Actually, I’ve listened to a very little part of a song, and it was indeed sexy! Can’t wait for the whole song!

Lots of Love!

ps. just heard the song, turned out, it's not so fabulous :-(

in between

2007-08-30T17:32:00.000+09:00

Algiers & Byblical

As it turned out, I don’t know where my relationship is going. Is there any right reason for telling your partner that you don't love them anymore? Or should I be left feeling guilty for breaking another heart? Or am I? Who knows, maybe at some point, this relationship we build is basically a failure from the start but none of us wanted to step up and end this. In that case, I’m not breaking any heart when we both knew this would not last and both wait for other party to be the bad guy.

Is that even possible? I hope so! It will be easier for me…

Again! Me! Why am I this selfish is beyond me!

The past few days, all I’m feeling was that I wanted to be single again. But one part of me did thought; good guy doesn't come around that twice. And I’m back to phase one. Guess there is such thing as good and evil in one person’s lives. Or maybe in me, Algiers and Byblical…

~Algiers~
Good person doesn't come around that often, you want to be sorry for the rest of your life? For, of course, you will be single for the rest of your days!

~Byblical~
Funny you should mention that, who’s going to be more sorry if turns out one day you cannot take this anymore and eventually you’ll end things. You will not only holding back his next love but think how deep his love for you by then, it will hurt him even more!

~Algiers~
You felt comfy around him, and that what’s matter! As a poet would say, love will grow! You don't want to be single forever right?

~Byblical~
Oh, yeah! Listen to the poetic mad-man! Comfy is what matter! Why don't you just say, oh, okay, I love his nail, so I want to marry him! My point is, yes you like him, you need him, but stop thinking everything is about you. Have you ever think this through his side?

He might be thinking, oh, everything’s going so well, nothing changes, but you’re having second thought. A week, two weeks, three weeks… surely you’re meeting up with new people and make friends. And he’s ok with that, you’re only making friends, or so he thought. One day, you meet another perfect candidate for you (or so you thought). And you just leave him like that? Take his position, and how would you feel?

Stop it you two! You both are the greatest, but not helping here! (fyi, that does not include a list of also ‘non-helping’ advices from friends)

The truth is, he’s a nice guy. Being with him is such fun! No, that’s fairly incorrect, we just don’t have the same connection, the chemistry, it felt like we’re forcing stuff to make stuff happen. Maybe partly that’s why I lost some feelings, no, to be harsh I never had the feelings. Basically, it’s like I’m trying on an outfit that I know didn’t go for the soiree and I tried it anyway, it still does not work. Yes, I’m a B.I.T.C.H!

He really is nice to me, it definitely outrun the fact that we didn't have the chemistry. But over time, it’s really a pain in the buttocks! I don't know if it’s because that he called too much or that I’m not a phone-guy, but I’ve been to the place where I rerun the question I asked him earlier… on the SAME phone call! The purpose of avoiding awkward has led me to awkwardness!

Well, I guess it’s true. I whine when I’m single and I whine when I got one! I really should attend some sort of mental classes just to figure out what do I really want in life! Obnoxious loser, me! I just have too many things to figure out in life. And this is the least problem from what I’m facing. To save some time, as Tyra Banks would say, I’ve reached my decision.

Lots of Love!

About Me ~Deux

2007-08-27T19:39:00.000+09:00

Living for the past 20 years as the last-born child had me all irresponsible, negligent, immature, and careless. I’m not saying that I have experienced all that ups and downs in life as a 30 years old would, but my ups and downs that revolve just enough around my family, educational, relationship, and friends for the past 3 years, has taught me to be a little bit responsible, less careless and more mature as I am standing here now on my 23rd self. Here as well, I’m not saying that I have loosened the juvenile self I owned, I’m not proud of it but also I’m not disgusted by it. Once I remember a friend have told me that I am talented with all the creative I have made, am I now? She’s neither wrong nor right. Of course I would say I am talented, that is if I’m in a job that I love and that I do them well. Creative on the other hand, I would still say that I am one. I don't know if there’s any rank that one has to reach or a task that have to be fulfilled to settle a creative being, but in my understanding or to be accurate as I saw the creative level in the country I live now, It’s a definite mistakes for me to say I failed to perform. No, I’m not saying that I am better; I’m just as good. In life overall, I would say I am a three at this point of mine.

Obsessing for fashion would have me all tremble and squeaky if one day I’m this famous fashion designer. But with only the degree in Visual Communication, I’d say I doubt it. I can't wait if someday I will be able to meet world famous Designers that has made this world is what it is now; a world where people turn every business opportunity to a fashion manifestation! Ask them how they transform old tulle to a fabulous couture! And perhaps steal the opportunity to be made their assistant (I would be so honored!)

If there is anything better than fashion for me, it’s to be a photographer. This may be more in sense than the fashion thing since I have some study regarding photography, but silly me still hoping in pursuing fashion. Picture really is indeed reflect thousands of words, the more did art photography.

Even though sometimes I did pictures to speak my mind, often I just speak my mind! I am a man of words (not a man of his words, no, I can’t keep up with promises). You might say I talk faster than I think. I’m this selfish ego that may run this city packed with people into oblivion. It’s not likely me to be considerate of other people feelings. But I do know my real friends and of course, we talk feelings to feelings mad like hell. I can separate the fake ones and filtered which one which. With so many fake people in the city, no wonder how so little friends I’ve got. The truth is, I have nothing oppose to the fake person thing, let’s face it, I’ve been fake some of the time and we needed that just like we needed Body Shop daily-musk to survive in this social world, but the ‘too fake’ one that bothered me (I bothered a lot of people too, but hell, this could go round and round!). Some have argued if I worth to be friends with. I can’t really blame them to even reconsider being my friend. I’m not going to force one person, as I am insanely not pleased to be forced-friend with someone I don't like.

One has said, I often contradict myself. So, yes I may have state myself in apparent ways above. Don’t really count to it if someday you really meet me and see that I’m this whole other person you didn’t see anywhere in the text above. I am that contradictive.

Til then, ciao…

Double-a-bed

2007-08-27T19:36:00.001+09:00

I’ve just read this article concerning a sleeping behavior between two individual who share their bed. And there it said that National Sleep Foundation, a non-profit group in Washington, proximate that 61% Americans sleep with the person they loved. Even though the presence of other may have increase the sleeping disorders, 62% people that have been surveyed choose to still sleep with their companion.

I’m sure Americans have their own way, or maybe our way is just not as different as theirs. But to me personally, sleeping together, had me awaken all night long (maybe it had something to do with the fact that I own a single-bed, how vacant a single-bed could be with two grown-ups?), it really disturbed me physically with the hugging (don't get me wrong, I’m a big hugger! But sometimes, plus the air-con, it’s still hot!) and small space that kept us bumped to each other.

Even though I could manage the hugging and the bumping by purchasing a bigger bed, still, sharing a bed is tough (at least for me). From the temperature of the air-con when one party felt cold and the other as hot as hell, to the ritual of TV before bed. Or maybe about the tidiness and location of the bed (couples fight over these things!). Dinner or breakfast on bed? One of the most arguable conditions other than sleeping naked. Some even fought about the alarms and letting pets into bed.

I agreed with Paul C. Rosenblatt that every couple has to manage many problems so that the system could work. Stuff about how to make the bed, laying on the bed, bed-behavior, sleep and awake. Calling specific, which side of bed are you, watching news before lights off, how often you go to toilet, music volume, snoring, insomnia and bla bla bla. And of course, the signal whether they crave for attention, want to talk or just need to be alone. And as time goes by, problems evolve. It gets bigger, life full of it!

Often we manage to overlook this minor stuff when perhaps it’s the minor stuff that has led us all to fight over fights, broken heart, even failed marriage…

Ok, for a simple sleepover, that’s just too much!

Lots of Love!

Independence Day

2007-08-17T23:07:00.000+09:00

People who read my blog (and of course keep posted with my love life) will recognize the pattern of me a propos to my habit in writing. Whenever I’m in sort of relationship, I become an infrequent blogger. My last blog was like last month and it ended there just at the beginning of my new ‘association’.

I just got back from an annual Independence Day bazaar around my neighborhood. It took place at block 4 (while I’m residing at block 7, just a step away). I arrive there just late enough to still able to watch the main attraction I’ve always wanted to see (but like never), the famous ‘panjat pinang’. There was a bunch of half-naked guy, covered in some sort of oil and then there’s a 10 meters horizontal pipe, which also covered in oil and a bunch of prize including the ‘flag’ on the tip of the pipe. The whole point is for them, shoulder to shoulder, climb onto the end of the pipe to catch the flag that worth millions Rupiah (and counting as time goes by). And of course the catch is that oil that’s so slippery and to make it a lot harder there’s a maximum person per pipe (5 max). Finally, after 15 times of trying (since I arrived there), they got the flag (and of course not to overlook, all the other prize). The flag worth 3,5 mil plus 500k the time they reach it. The funny thing was, the second they reach the flag; all the audience started to went their separate ways and in one half minute, the courtyard was empty. In the middle of the attraction, I spare me some time to buy a burger from a guy with bicycle cart. Just like the old days when I was on elementary school having the same burger in front of the schoolyard (tho, recent style was added to the burger, the meat is now covered with egg).

The hour was 5.21 pm when we decided it was not fun anymore. So we went to Hot Station (my sis craved for the ‘roti kosong’). She ordered it and the kids happened to order dinner there (I thought we only went there for half an hour just to enjoy the roti kosong, turned out we have our dinner there). The dinner only took us one hour for the place was haunted with mosquitoes, DEAD AND ALIVE! Fortunately for the mosquitoes, I use short pants, their dinner was served fresh with a little bit of sweet flavored from the sirap mutiara I drank.

Went home with all the hot sweat and dirt from outside the courtyard drove me insanely desiring for a cold bath and clean my asses off, almost literally speaking.

And here I am now, laying on my bed, having a melancholic moment alone with Michael Buble rhyming L.O.V.E through my ear and out the other. Tomorrow is weekend, me and babe planning on having our dinner at Zenbu and watching Ratatouille at I don't know where (we just decide it tomorrow). Ahh… Okonomiyaki.. here I come! But, I suppose tomorrow, from 9 to 4, I have to company my bro-in-law to his shop because my sis got to pick up one relative from the airport. Think we’re gonna have our dinner at 7. See you tomorrow babe! Til then.. Ciao!

Lots of Love!

ah.. yes, these couple of days, due to i don't know what! my back hurt really bad! i can't bend my self to pick up things from the floor or my back hurt, i cant sit too comfortable or my back hurt, i can't nod too hard or my neck will hurt! it's a pain! so, just 2 days ago, my mother ask a masseur to come to our house and see what's up with me? she come to conclusion that my lower part vein is all stretched and pointed to my back. so she did her thing, and voila, all the vein back to their places. tho it still hurt, but i think it's getting better (still, it's a pain now to sleep in any crazy position i love! i have to sleep like the dead!)

again.. Lots of Love!

Edgy hair, people?

2007-07-28T20:52:00.001+09:00

I’ve done something with my hair like last week. I thought it would give me a little side of edgy. But sadly, I can’t pull it off! I look like that guy from Sony-Ericsson’s latest TV Commercial with the hair when on the sunset having this reminiscent of a coconut tree (profile look). Please let me visualize my malfunction style to you… my hair is a little bit longer than a spikey one, and I happen to cut all my side hair to baldness. Shortly, picture a pineapple… yes, that’s me! I’m so happy! Ewww!

I asked my sis, how do I look? She didn’t say a thing; she made her you-are-ugly-and-disgusting face. I went downstairs to play with my nephew on my dad’s room. My mum said “what were you thinking?!” and my dad yell “GO OUT!”, he hates my hair so bad he hates me! And when I met a friend, she just said “new haircut? It’s good. Ehehehe…” with guilt all over her face (guilty of lying I suppose). And another friend said “you are sooo not looking hot right now!” and I’m feeling less confident the whole night at Oh La La! (Damn you Robert!)

Families and friends… sometimes they could be your greatest allies but sometimes they’re just your worst enemies. After a couple of days after the ‘chopping’ day. Walking in the mall and becoming the center of all attention has led all my sisters forced me to always wear my hat until it grows. I knew they were sort of pulling their jokes by saying ‘don’t you dare walking near me with your extravagant hair style’, but I’m still feeling a lil’ bit left out (not that they never ask me to go out ever). But they are so right, all attention on me. Once I busted a middle-age lady who’s looking at me til her head turn 180 degrees! (I think she bump her fore head). And the only defense I can pull to my sisters was ‘the point of cutting my hair like it is now was because I’m in need of all the attention right? Just remember that I’m one of those attention-seeker’

I’m not saying that there’s no positive attitude regarding my excessive hairstyle. Like maybe one of my maid said it’s good? (aihh..! can you smell my desperation?) or recently a friend’s giving out ‘compliment’, tho after I forced him the question ‘compliment or criticism?’ hmm.. Maybe just that two! (I really should grow my hair rite?!)

People… IT WILL GROW!

Lots of Love!

4 days substitute

2007-07-26T23:29:00.000+09:00

Me n Tanti! hanging out.. aihhh.. dose were the days

24.07.07

Today is the first out of three days I substitute my sister to company her husband in his shop. It’s a pain in the ass. But, as long as I got my ciggy and mac, I’m good to go.

Or so I thought…

There’s pretty much nothing to do here except making receipt and watching the buyer goes by… other than that, I can just wait for my dearest to call on his lunchtime. Ow… Have I told you that I’m committed? ;-)

It’s pretty soon I guess… but it just felt right. So, just last Saturday we met at my favorite meeting point, Hot Station (after a week of voice calls, um… not even a week). And I just realized something… That was my first real-real date! It stroked me like a lighting bolt; I didn’t know what to wear! Never before I didn’t know what to wear! It’s like an old saying: a closet full of clothes and nothing to wear! After 2 hours, I came to my senses and go casual never goes wrong. So I use my sport shirt with black tank top. I looked like just got out of the gym! What was I thinking?! But it didn’t go anywhere wrong. What actually happened was, I charmed him. ;-) And so, he stayed at my place, and you know where it was heading. He came the next day and the day after. Aihh… I knew it was just a cliché behavior of newly committed couples, but it was amazing so what the hell! And tonight, he’s planning on taking me to my favorite dinner, Pizza!

26.07.07

I think it was the pizza that I gain 3 KILOS! Aihhh…! So depressing! At the shop, 3 days down, and one to go! I’m not hoping Saturday I’m still here. Babe is now out of town having his work done. Left my lips to dry ;-) he’ll be back tomorrow tho’, so here I am being patient. Cannot be too selfish to have the whole in him. ☺ The thing I liked about babe is that he’s not promising anything, he’s not full of words, tho once he said that he could tolerate my anger problem. We’ll just see. ;-)

I don't deny the fact I’m in a relationship so soon because I felt lonely. On my defense, I think everyone who got into relationship; they were lonely in the first place (otherwise why would they step into something called ‘we’?). Anyway, it’s nice to have someone who message and call just to ask me how I’m doing… just a simple message shows that he cares… and my babe… delivered it! mwah2! ;-) And again… I’m sure it’s just the new-couples euphoria… Ah, I’m being pessimist.

I Love My Shoes!

2007-07-23T15:05:00.000+09:00

It’s true! I have not so many pairs, but I love them all, tho I admitted I have one favorite pair. I don't go out a lot, if all my shoes have feelings, they will sort of having negative sentiment toward my white sneaker. Every time I’m in the mood using shoes (I use sandals mostly, but we’re talkin’ shoes here) I always go for the white sneaker. It looked so good with the gold lining. Sadly it’s a suede! I’m having a hard time maintaining. Even though most of the time it’s killing one toe at a time and in spite of all that dirt that wont come off from the suede, I still uses it.

Recently, one occasion got me thinking… why did I buy all that shoes if I didn’t even having desires wearing it? Hell, I just bought a virgin cowboy boots that never even touch the asphalt.

So, just last week, when a friend asked me to have a ‘hunting’ time at Oh La La, I had to take the boots out for a little ride. Won't be fair for it cause it’s been weeks since the first time I bought it. Still… it killed one toe at a time!

Seems like all my shoes having this harmful thoughts for my toes!

I remember once, 5 years ago, I bought this blue puma for 50% off. And as usual, I picked it for the reason of its look (I never really care if it’s comfy or not as long as it’s fashionable). Turns out, it was the comfiest shoes I have ever had!! I used it all the time. Days and nights, formal or informal, every occasion. As time goes by, the fiber lining started to peel, until finally it’s all stripped. But I still used it. It was 2006 when a friend feels sorry for me and asked me if I wanted him to buy me a shoe. But I have always said to him that I like the shoe and asked him just think of it as a vintage shoe. After a couple of complains from other friends, I thought that was my cue to let it go and retired it. Tho until now, I still keep the shoe.

As I wonder through my old shoes I had, I seldom use them! Even one or two shoes that I never use. I happen top found my gray bulky sneaker, green slim, white/green A, white kappa, black layer, and some others. And just yesterday, for my very first real date, I use an old shoe that used to be one of my favorites, a 78 Converse red/blue. Yes, it was killing me the whole night, but the shoe still was fabulous (was worth it).

Aside from all that I-love-my-shoes, once I ‘Killed’ my lower-leg-high blue Converse. I bought it because it had a very bright blue color and the inside was silver. I’m very much in love with that shoe. But then, they told me there’s no size for me, and they told me to go look in other branches. After couples of malls I went through, still no size for me. I forced the number 42 and bought it. Sure it’s too small, but what the heck! I only used it once to one huge mall and never use it ever since. It HURT so bad, not only it hurt my toes; it started to peel my skin. So I cut the higher length and put it in a box and never open it since 2006.

I still love my shoes even tho they hurt me regularly.

Lots of Love!

Nonetity ~ Part Uno

2007-07-20T01:47:00.000+09:00

I wanted to scream out loud… nobody listen. I’m here, I’m alive, I’m moving… nobody notice. So here I am, in this book, seeking pathetically for attention. You don’t know me, but you can think of me as the nerd boy in school people liked to play with. Or weird man next door who you never see walking out but you know he’s there because you always listen him moaning through your bedroom wall. Nobody knows who I am; I’m the living dead for some people. People knew I exist like they knew seat belts exist, they knew it’s there they just don’t give a damn. What’s important to me became unimportant and what’s unimportant became important. I don’t know what I want because I knew what I want always end up in no result.

In a room I’m staying now, they’re dirty. I didn’t have anything to do yet I thought I’m too busy to clean the room. The wall painted in white color yet the room seems dark. A pile of naked pillows at the end of my bed just laying there with no intentions by me to cover it up with cases. A white ladder I made for design-sake is now standing on the other side of the wall, covered thick with dust. And above it, a green mirror hanged on the wall had a red spot, which I made-believed was my own blood. I rest my self on the bed, wishing I’d wake up in far more beautiful world than mine’s now so far.

I’m awake. It’s dark. It’s 04.59… am. A minute before five. Everybody knows it. But the question’s still remain to be answer; am I exist? I knew I lived with my family. I had my parents, my three sisters, my two nephews, my brother in-law, and two maids. They must’ve noticed me. So I come down to find out. It’s dark. Of course it is. I notice my watch point at 05.03 am. I just grab mineral water and back upstairs to my room. I lock it. I notice something’s missing, but I don’t know what it is, and I don’t let it bother me either. I sleep.

If forgot to turn off my daily alarm. It’s eight in the morning. The sun’s coming through my paper-covered window. It’s awfully a bright morning. Then I realize… I didn’t hear any sound whatsoever coming from outside. It’s weird on Thursday morning. It’s just not the usual. Not even that annoying dog that usually barked all morning. I open the lock. I knock my 3rd sister’s, Sheena, door. No answer. She must’ve already gone to work. She works for a local University as Geology teacher. Her students are all on their midterms. And it made busy-weeks for her. Gone early and home late were her daily routine for the last couple of days. My 2nd sister, Danni, I presume already went downstairs for breakfast. She works for my father now that he just wanted to relax and stay home with his grandsons. My father works in bread industry for the last 30 years of his lives and he’s now leaving it to his son and daughter, that made my brother, Tony, and Danni works together as a team. I never thought it will works though, since me and all my sisters was not very close or to be harsh… hate him. But, so far, they went along just fine. I say because they were separated from each other. Bread is very ‘hot’ right now, the demand charts is far passed the line. It’s also creating a hectic on the market. So, when I see Danni’s not in the kitchen having breakfast, I’m not that surprise. I didn't see the maids either. I presume Bie and Nue went to the market to buy some vegetables I told them yesterday. Daisy, my 1st sister, and William, her husband, usually gone to work with Danni in the morning. I never thought they would go that early considering the lazy habit of Daisy. Daisy and her husband opened a new café not far from Danni’s pastries. The café have some potential as I saw it, and both Daisy and William worked so hard to make it possible. I had to give them credit for their willingness to have a life, as I am here willing-less to make my own. It’s 8.21 am. The kids already went for their elementary class. No one’s down stairs, I look at my father and my mother’s room. Seems empty. It’s dark inside. I go out. That dog’s not on his cage. It’s empty. Where’s that dog? I liked him that’s true, but I can’t stand the noises he made. It’s just annoying. Somehow, I’m just glad he’s not here today. There, next to the car, I see a newspaper. I took it. As I wonder my eyes around the neighborhoods…

I drop my jaws…

Dad

2007-07-05T22:32:00.000+09:00

He’s the one person who thought that his answer was the only answer there was. And marvelously he still is! Lately, regarding the term of ‘broken karaoke utilities’ and to upgrade some more utilities, he became close friends with Harco Glodok in the city. And looking that I’m at home and do literally nothing, he expect me to company him just in case there’s no parking lot available and ask me to find one while I drop him elegantly in front of the lobby.

Yes, just this afternoon, I company him there (I want to be a good little son for once, or was it, I have something in mind that I wanted from him? Hmm..) Apparently he wanted to add another BMB speaker, but we went home with a Cerwin Vega.

A relationship between him and me was very stiff and still is. There was nothing to talk in the car besides some asshole motorcycle that always got in the way or something that he knows best, his self-proclaimed superior voice. Other than that, we only listen to him singing some Chinese songs recorded in a tape (whenever I had enough, I turn on my mp3).

How can I talk to someone who always thinks his answers is the only that’s right? Whenever I speak my mind, and he disagrees, he called me stupid and continues his mumbling. I can’t tell how many times he called me or other fellows in the house stupid/moron/idiot in a day, maybe more than I said ‘stupid’ in a month! I really tried my ass off to make this relationship between him and me a little more ‘hobble’.

So when we drove off to Glodok this afternoon, and he talked something, I had to gave some feedback that I thought to him was the right one, just so he doesn’t call me stupid. Turned out, it was very tiring when you have to think of the right answer before you talk (although sometimes I know it’s crucial). Since I’m not him (and I never knew his way of thinking), I still got the ‘stupid’ word from him. Not that I blame him tho, I think maybe that word already naturally slipped out from his mouth whenever he heard something he oppose. So, to sum up, him and me, still stiff. Yap!

Ow, last nite, when I wanted to refill my printer, on the way home my nephew, Matthew, decided that he’s not Jacky Chan anymore. And when we asked him why, he said that Jacky Chan is not handsome anymore (like he ever was!). so, he wanted us to called him ‘Manny’. We still don’t know who Manny is, but we do know that to Matthew, Manny is the new character he and his friend Wilhan made. I just hoped that Manny is not his and his friend’s imaginary friend!

The 4th of July already passed, and I still waiting for the result! Apparently they delay the result for some reason I didn't even know. I’m just happy that I called my friend first, so I didn’t have to go there and face the blank result board! They’re just playing with my nerve here! I was informed that the result come out on 6th or 9th July. So till then, don't shock me with other news please!

Lots of Love!

Drama queen / Attention-Seeker

2007-06-29T18:23:00.000+09:00

These couple of days I’m depressed for something that to me was childish. It was started when I failed to perform well on my last presentation for my final project. Every question I choked. I touched the point where I was sweating in a room with 2 air-con. They come to conclusion that my design was so-not-Ivan-Gunawan, that my design was too plain, not glamorous, it was a no-no!

Ironically, that day, even my horoscope was turning his back on me and said (as I quote):

“Following your hunches has led you to some interesting and educational places in the past, but it won't lead you anywhere good today. So act with caution at every turn. Don't get involved with something you're unsure of, no matter how good it looks at first glance. You need to fully understand whatever you're dealing with -- take as much time as necessary to do your research. Being impatient won't get you anywhere except in deep trouble!”

Beats me in the head with it!

After the ‘dreadful’ presentation of mine, I drag my dispirited ass to the mall nearby just to cheer myself a bit before I have to back to the Uni to collect all the display. Then come messages asking “how’d it go?” “you nailed it, huh?”,”where should we celebrate? It’s your birthday too anyway!”

“it doesn’t went really well, but I think right now I can just wait and see the result later on 4th July.” Full stop!

I guess that line should’ve been my response…

Instead…

“I’m so stressed! Help me out please! I don’t know what to do! I’m Fucked up! I am a failure! I don't know what to do! What should I do?”…

Looking back, I AM one attention-seeker drama queen! Always hoping that people would call me and say nice things to me, calm my already-calmed nerve, cheer me up, and stuff that made me think that I’m the first priority on peoples head. I exaggerated the situation for the hope of peoples concern… pity me!

There’s still so much I have to do to deal with my non-sociable personality. And for my friends out there, I know I haven’t been the perfect ally, but hey… please don't expect me to change too much, I’m too self-centered for that! LOL… if you think that some little personality I have to change to socialize (like that drama queen thingy), you know I will (hell, I could use a friend!) but if you really really hate my personality and expect me to change it all, you know there’s a lot of people out there who wants to make friends with you, ditch me-don’t include me to your allies!

It has been 3 days (as my friend informed) since I answered phone-calls. That was a stupid act of mine! I regret it now! What if someone’s important called me and didn't leave message at all? As I looked the missed-calls list, there’s plenty of number I didn't recognize (few which I knew, come from Muara Karang-Pluit area), what about the others? Could be the employer who probably now already got the substitute… or someone hot somehow keep my number and tried calling me but since I didn’t answer he’s now happily committed with someone else… or could be my sisters calling from someone else mobile and needed urgent help (but since she’s ok now, ah well)… the point is, for someone who couldn’t live without his cell like me, it’s stupid not to answer your mobile (that is if you didn’t have any voice mail, ahh… like people here’s going to leave voice messages even though you did have it)

4th of July, please be good to me!

Lots of Love!

antara bangga dan tidak

2007-06-18T23:24:00.000+09:00

Saya mungkin bukan seseorang yang bisa menghakimi apa yang sekarang ini (atau mungkin sudah dari dulu) terjadi terhadap Indonesia, lagipula, saya hanyalah seorang mahasiswa tingkat akhir berumur 23 tahun yang sedang mengajukan topik tugas akhir yang nyatanya tidak memenuhi kehendak sang dosen (tapi apa boleh buat, saya hanya mengulang tugas akhir yang sebelumnya saya dinyatakan tidak lulus karena absen menghadiri hari sidang).

Saya selalu berpendapat bahwa Indonesia (yang sudah dinilai oleh dunia sebagai Negara ke-3, atau nama yang lebih dikenal “Third world country”) adalah Negara yang ‘pemalas’, ‘konsumsi yang berlebih’, ‘korupsi’, ‘apalah yang jelek-jelek’… atau bisa saja saya hanya bersikap pesimis terhadap Negara yang saya tinggali ini, tidak tanpa usaha, saya sudah mencoba segala cara untuk melihat sisi positif dan bersikap optimis, kosong, saya benar-benar kosong… tidak ada yang bisa saya lihat sisi positifnya (ada memang, seperti hasil alam Indonesia yang berlimpah, tapi kemudian saya berpikir lagi, hasilnya kemana? Saya tidak terlalu mengikuti politik yang berbelit-belit yang lebih banyak ditutupi), yang terlintar di benak saya hanyalah segi negatif dari Indonesia.

Saya memang tidak bisa dijadikan contoh sebagai ‘pencinta negara’, secara sehari-hari bahasa yang saya gunakan bercampur 70 % bahasa inggris (untuk juga bisa berbicara kepada keponakan saya yang dengan ultimatumnya TIDAK mau berbicara bahasa Indonesia dengan alasan ‘jelek’), sisanya 30% hanya saya gunakan dalam pergaulan sehari-hari dengan orang tua dan teman-teman. Menurut saya bahasa inggris sudah terlalu umum digunakan, seharusnya memang saya memiliki bahasa lain yang agak berbeda seperti Perancis atau Mandarin, tapi apa boleh buat lagi, mempelajari bahasa pada umur 23 tahun memang agak susah.

Selain itu, saya juga selalu beranggapan barang apa saja asal impor, memiliki kualitas yang lebih baik dibandingkan Indonesia (bahkan dari Negara Thailand sekalipun). Barang hasil produksi Indonesia yang saya miliki di kamar saya hanyalah furniture yang memang saya beli dengan alasan ‘harga’, selain itu, mungkin beberapa pakaian yang hanya saya gunakan di bawah atap rumah ini.

Salah satu segi negatif kecil yang sudah saya sadari sejak smp (mungkin) adalah penggunaan bahasa Indonesia yang (mungkin lagi, saya tidak bisa terlalu pasti; saya jarang membaca buku) hanya mengganti beberapa huruf dan jadilah bahasa Indonesia. Pemalas, seperti yang saya sebutkan sebelumnya, malas membuat kata baru dan hanya meniru. Seperti contohnya ‘toilet/wc’ tetap saja toh bahasa Indonesianya ‘toilet/wc’, ‘sex’ menjadi ‘seks’, ‘penis’ tetap saja ‘penis’, ‘public’ menjadi ‘publik’, ‘fashion’ pengucapan sama penulisan berbeda ‘fesyen’, ‘name’ menjadi ‘nama’, dan banyak lagi (tidak akan saya jabarkan disini, saya bukan kamus). Ada lagi dalam bahasa Indonesia yang bisa saya kategorikan dalam ‘pemalas’, artinya berbeda, pengucapannya berbeda, penulisan sama! Contohnya ‘apel’ buah dan ‘apel’ dalam artian mengunjungi pacar, dan ‘tahu’ makanan dengan ‘tahu’ mengetahui/mengerti, dan mungkin masih banyak, tetapi, harap maklum, nilai bahasa Indonesia saya tidak terlalu menakjubkan semasa smp/sma.

Tetapi masalah bahasa, mungkin memang beberapa Negara merasa hal tersebut terlalu memakan waktu jika harus membuat kata baru, oleh karena itu mereka hanya menjiplak saja apa yang ada dan kemudian mengganti beberapa huruf, seperti ‘toilet’ dan ‘toilette’, ‘one, two, three’ dan seperti lagunya ricky martin ‘uno, dos, tres’, ‘luminous’ dan ‘lumierre’ dan lain lainnya (sekali lagi saya bukan ahli bahasa).

Yang saya kagumi adalah bangsa Cina, yang (menurut sejarah) merupakan bangsa yang pertama kali membuat huruf dan kemudian mencetaknya. Hurufnya pun berbeda-beda dan memiliki suku kata yang beragam dan (menurut teman saya) banyak sekali. Jepang dan Korea juga unik, tapi antara mereka berdua (yang memang rival sejati) pengucapannya agak mirip (dan kemudian bangsa Korea merubah bahasanya menjadi bahasa Korea modern yang sering kita dengar di film-film yang mengharu-biru khas Korea). Antara Korea jaman dahulu dan jepang mungkin saya tidak tahu siapa yang meniru siapa, tapi kemiripan huruf kanji Jepang dengan pinyin Cina, sudah jelas bangsa Cina yang memulainya (menurut beberapa Encarta).

Dalam hal bahasa juga dalam segala hal, Cina memang yang terbaik, bahkan dalam hal ‘pemalsuan’, produk yang dihasilkan benar-benar berkualitas. Label-label terkenal dari eropa, Perancis, Milan, New York, dan lain-lain, tetap saja ‘made in china’. Lihat saja Versace untuk second line-nya Jeans Couture dan Sport, semuanya made in china (mungkin untuk 1st line-nya ‘Gianni Versace’ made in Europe). Produk aslinya saja made in china, apalagi yang palsunya! Hampir semua tas tas bermerek ‘mangga dua’ dihasilkan oleh Negara itu (paling tidak semua yang memiliki embel-embel kelas 1), kualitas 99,99% seperti aslinya, kadang mungkin hanya berbeda baunya saja, yang satu memiliki bau parfum dari pegawai toko di Plaza Indonesia yang menggunakan seragam, satunya lagi bau nci-nci penjual tas palsu di mangga dua.

Setelah mengolok-olok Indonesia, saya tidak menjadi sedih karena tinggal di Negara ini. Indonesia-lah tempat saya lahir (apa boleh buat), pikiran tentang meninggalkan Indonesia dan merantau ke Negara-negara lain sempat terbesit dulu (bukannya terbesit lagi, sudah menggebu-gebu), tetapi karena hal finansial, jatuh-jatuhnya juga di Universitas Tarumanagara dengan jurusan Komunikasi Visual. Saya tidak menyesal (menyesalpun percuma), saya bisa bertemu dengan teman saya yang sangat dekat dan sangat mengenal saya, menikmati pergaulan ‘sesama’ di lingkup nasional, bisa mengenal dan mengetahui berbagai lapisan status sosial (dari yang makan indomie tiap malem, sampai ibu-ibu pejabat yang tiap hari harus memiliki sebuah tas keluaran desainer mancanegara). Selain itu semua, sering terdengar hal-hal seperti ‘home sick’ dan lain-lain dari mulut kakak-kakak saya (yang memang mengambil Uni di luar), pergaulan disana memang bebas, malah terlalu bebas, sehingga pelajaran banyak yang tertinggal, dan merembet ke hal-hal lainnya. Jadi saya tidak menyesal, di kekang oleh orang tua saya, toh sekarang mereka sudah mengerti dan tidak terlalu mengekang, mungkin masa remaja saya (pesta-pesta dan lainnya) sudah terlambat dibandingkan remaja lainnya yang pada umur 16 tahun saja sudah bisa pulang jam 4 pagi! Tetapi saya selalu mengganggap masa pesta-pesta memang seharusnya dimulai pada umur saya (23 tahun), agar jadinya kelak tidak terlalu liar dan dapat menahan diri (siapa saja yang beranggapan anak umur 16 tahun bisa menahan diri, tolong, hubungi saya!)

Lots of Love! (saya tidak bisa mengubah ini, ‘banyak cinta’ terdengar aneh!)

Ummm... Enak!

2007-06-18T19:23:00.000+09:00

It’s been a week since my brother arrived here in Jakarta from my hometown Bangka. And until now, he has this sort of fever that just wont go away, even after drank some Chinese medicine that proved best to cure the family! He already went to some doctors, hospitals, and just wont work.

Just this morning, his wife (my sister in-law) arrived Jakarta to attend her best friend wedding. And when she’s been told that her husband still got the fever. She went with this story…

Once upon a time, in Bangka, both of them went to this beach restaurant, which gave them a creepy ambiance. And while eating, my brother wont stop saying “ah.. enak.. enak!” even after his wife told him to stop saying it. Apparently, Chinese myth have told that while you’re eating, don’t ever said the word, coz according to them, when u said it, creepy creatures like ghosts and stuff heard you and took what you’re eating and always following you wherever you go. That’s actually make sense in the most non-sense there is, because now, all the food tasted like nothing to him. (Even writing this gives me the creeps)

Believing that story’s make sense, my mum having this thought of sending my brother back to where he said the word (the creepy beach) and apologize to whatever things over there. Or maybe for less-work, my mum offered him to drink ‘phu’ (some sort of water mixed with burnt sacred paper)

At my dad’s b’day party a few days ago, when I said “enak” while eating, my grams told me to shut it! I felt that was silly, I turn a joke to her and said “mm.. yummy”. Now I know the reason why she’d always warn us not to say those things while we’re eating back then. Well, she always believed those supernatural things like how you can’t stack your dishes on the dining table, or you have to eat your food in the dining table, or you can’t sleep with your feet directly point the door.

I don’t believe those things, but it doesn’t hurt to follow, it gives my grams and mum the peace of mind, why not do it for they’re sakes? I love them; I’ve always loved them! Grams, sorry for all the jokes.. mwah2

Lots of Love!

Last nites anecdote

2007-06-17T22:21:00.000+09:00

Fantastic four, I say it’s a good movie! It doesn't make me bored and left the theater (you know, bearing in mind the megablitz chair is uncomfy). But oh, the casts! CHRIS EVANS! One good-looken boi! And also the Silver Surfer, I say that’s totally my type! That lips, that eyes, that BODEHH! Dude, marry me! Nahh… take my ass! And all I talked about last nite was that silver surfer and not the torch. Yes, the torch might be fun, but he’s a total boi (I need a man!) yeaa, keep dreamin’ as I told myself. I can't say Mr. Invisible’s not hot; he’s okay, just not my kinda man. I almost hugged that silver surfer statue they display as POP at megablitz, but social manner had taught me a lot of things. So I thrust my crave to cup his bulge between his crotch and not even taking pictures beside his bulky muscly hot silver bodeh!

We took our 5 years old nephews to watched midnight movies with us (which started at 12 and end at 2). And on the way there last nite, he said “don’t call me matthew again ok? My name is Jacky Jan”

And then the conversation:

“who is jacky Jan?”

“the one who fight all the time”

“Jacky Chan?!”

“no, my friend Wilhan said his name is Jacky Jan”

“no, matthew, his name is Jacky Chan!”

“don’t say that! His name is Jacky Jan”

“don't listen to your friend, he’s a little boy, listen to us, we’re all grown ups! His name is Jacky Chan! Why do you want to be him anyway?”

“because he’s handsome”

“what?!?! Jacky chan is not handsome! Maybe Jacky Cheung?”

“jacky jan!!”

“whatever! Next time, why don't you tell your friend Wilhan you want to be Superman! At least he’s strong and world can tell that he’s far more handsome than your friend's so-called Jacky jan”

“oh, yeah, maybe I can be Superman”

oh, please matthew, if you are big enough, I’ll tell you, just be your FREAKIN’ self! All the teachers said that you’re the most handsome kid in the class anyway! (gotta have something to do with his uncle’s cuteness! Wakakakkaka)

Lots of love!

sushi sided with green tea?

2007-06-16T11:52:00.000+09:00

It’s been two days I have…

Homemade sushi as my breakfast, lunch, and dinner
And green-tea as an always beverage

And not only me, the whole family ate them too! Thanks to my sister who knows how to make an advance sushi, I enjoyed them as much as I enjoyed them on some Japanese resto. I’m not actually a big fan of sushi or sashimi, but since they didn't cooked any other meals, what else could a little sistah do? Good enough they thought of me while making sushi and make a lot more. There were two types of fillings for the sushi, salmon with cucumber and salmon with egg. Yesterday, since the salmon at the hyper mart was not that fresh, my sis changed them into (I kinda forgot the name of the fish, but they have the ‘king’ in it), tho it’s not salmon, but still was nice! Even just ate them this morning. And for the kids, considering they’re still 3 and 5, the fillings were only eggs.

Ahh… a very tasty and fresh green-tea packed by Nutripack was and still is BOGOF! No wonder how we only have them for beverages! Like 2 days ago, we bought 24 of them and we got 48! And this morning, as I dragged my lazy ass down to drank something fresh, I was astonished to find it was all gone! 48 boxed green-tea drank in less than 2 days?! And the effect was, all the bin around the house, filled with green boxes and straws pinned into them. Even some of my ‘lazy-ass’ sistah indolent enough to left all the empty boxes on tables. I can even spot one behind the balcony door right now!!

I think I have had enough with all the sushi and sashimi, but for the green tea, it was oh-so-nice, never had enough of them!!

Tho, my mum said she’s gonna make more sushi today (with left over from yesterdays)… ahh another sushi, ewwww…. wonder if she could really make them??? I have requested to my sistah, instead of sushi, maybe tomorrow we could have some Onigiri! Think I just had a tiny orgasm thinking about it!! Aaa…..

Lots of sushi!

i am = someone else?

2007-06-15T07:34:00.000+09:00

How far do we have to maintain our self-image just to get a partner?

Body type
In gay society, there’s no doubt that you gotta have a smokin’ hot body, or at least lean. I’ve asked some of my fellow friends, and none of them would go out with chubby guy even thou he’s so nice and stuff. Isn’t that’s just shallow? So we have to go work our ass off just to get attention? What am I talking ‘bout, that’s the basic rules for attention! EX scene, there’s no one will turn their heads to a fatty that just passed by, but for hottie, all heads straight to one point. If you think you don't have that smokin’ hot body, at least you gotta have the sense of fashion in what-looked-good-on-chubbies. But if you are 170/75, please do yourself a favor and start putting your name in the gym!

So, yes, first impression is significant, although you’re not being yourself, at least you obtain crowds attention. Who knows, maybe various name cards will fall into your lap. Remember, this is the only time you can not-be-yourself, after you get someone’s attention, you have to be your most fabulous self – you don't want pretending to be someone else you're not for the rest of your dating days rite? It’s tiring! If you still do, just have in mind that sooner or later, he will found out the truth and you’ll end up humiliating yourself!

I still don’t understand, before, why did I have to be someone else on those first, second, third, FOURTH date?! Pretending all the time, when I knew, on the fifth date, subconsciously or not, I revealed the true me (not in one sitting, maybe 3 times and yes, all was revealed). But then again, that was like years ago, and now, if someone doesn’t like me for whom I am – slutty-bitchy-who-talk-behind-peoples-back – I can always assume there’s a lot to come! So ditch me so I can go and find someone else (that is until I find the fish is all gone, I will beg you to accept me for I will change-into-someone-you-want. LOL) don't get me wrong, it’s not that I’m against all that pretending-to-be, after all I’m this lonely gay bastard, public image is what’s important!

And for all of you who are apparently attracted to my fake-photoshoped-pictures, pleaseee… take me for WHO I AM!

Dress-up
First date, maybe I would wear my best shirt or at least t-shirt that fit good on me (I’m a freakishly tees lovah). But, lets not talk dating (it drives me crazy!), what about Saturday night, hanging out with your friends? Going to EX, see-and-be-seen? But of course! I need to dazzle some dry-eyes sitting all over the EX-PI-passage-way (well-known as the runway for all gays) yes, that runway, is where I judged people and be judged harshly by people, and if ever I wanted to walk those path, I have to be ready for my-most-fashion-victim-thou-I-knew-fashion-hurt!

{illustrated point} -I might be a bit hyperbole-
And ooo… me.got.meself.hunkie! ahh.. so sexy! And so, we went to his place and do somthin’ somthin’ it went perfect! Cause I did marvelous job with the pre-sexual to-do-list! I am simply… all that! Yes, the preparations take times - smooth sense of banana-body-puree, did a little push-up, shaved, manicure, pedicure, apple cream bath, new white undies, soft-smelling perfume, new pair of socks, clean shoes, clean tees with soft fabric and smells good, natural look wax – but was worth it! The next day, he woke up with my hair fell down, dry hand from dehydration, dried-sweat from last night “work-out”, and all that flaw that’s… human like! But his expectation to me were like oh-so-fabulous, and so when he faced the reality, he was like “I’m not ready for relationship, but you… oh you…. So… bye!”

So, which one is the true-me that I want my future partner to accept me for? Do I have to work my ass off everyday for the rest of MY LIFE just to please one person who take-me-for-who-I-am-not?! or just come clean, be my own self that one person adore and just be happy together-ever-after?!

A bit dramatic maybe, but I missed being me! And so, I want and I will be my own FABULOUS self! (By the way, is the ‘fabulous’ era over? These days, never once I heard one gay spoke the word! Am I so previous? Oh my god I hope not!)

Ahhh… just like Carrie, I just need to feel a weight of a man on top of me! And I am that desperate!

Lots of Love!

Get a life! better yet, get a partner!

2007-06-14T00:10:00.000+09:00

Why do I have to get a life?

Sleeping at 9 a.m and wake up the same day at 3 p.m is not a typical life I’d hope I pursue at the age of 22! And I’m one year older in less than a month. I’m getting used to it, already been months since the last time I can tell days and dates.

What date is today?
I have to check my cell first for that question

I’m stuck or am i just simply not trying?

i am now on the last semester and doing my dos-final project, it had taken me zero times of my days, do nothing except waiting for the goddamn second evaluation with two tutors (already did the 1st evaluation with first tutor on 11th june, and the second will be held on 19th june) and finally the final presentation on 25th june. Until then, can I really find a job where they accept the fact that I’m still in college (although a months away)? just to fill my open time, I could do a part timer, unfortunately, not a lot of vacancy on that part! And here I am complaining about my problem when out-there, there are a lot of people facing the bigger problem than mine. But the thing is, I’m just tired living my life! The thought of suicide did cross my mind, but hell, that’s stupid and irresponsible! (even, I felt stupid just thinking of it)

Thanked god, these few couple of days I’m occupied, in charge of buying needed things for my dad’s birthday tomorrow, like going to the market to buy some shredded coconut (duh! Like everyday I’m buying that from the market! Anything else?!) And today, I was just from the mall to buy the cake (the cheese cake from bread talk’s very tempting! Take them tomorrow at 6 p.m sharp!) and written on the cake “Happy Birthday Daddy!” (First I wanted “Happy Birthday Grappy” but then my sis’s agreed on daddy), then to Carrefour to buy some egg, plates and forks, garlic, bla bla bla… and ah… there’s a cute one around the corner of bread and pastries, totally my type! But, running out of time, without introducing myself, I have to get back! He’ll come around anytime soon anyway.. hahaha…

Tomorrow’s going to be a busy day, mum already asked her sis to come and help, and she needed as much help as possible, including grams? I don’t think grams could help much accept to watch over her great grand child (that’s my nephew). Mum’s not going to allow me to go anywhere tomorrow since she need my help just incase she needed something from the mall, and in return, I asked her to make my favorite food, fried squid with salted bread crumbs (yum!), then she said too much work that has to be done, so she told me just to buy it from some seafood restaurant (good enough!)

Why do I have to get myself a partner?

I’m totally upset with the ‘partner’ word! Where is the partner I’ve been looking for? Am I demanding? Is that why I couldn’t get myself one? I have always said these things “seems like all the good ones were already taken, what’s left is the cute ones but for some little reason, i'm just not a fan” yes, that’s my friend, is demanding!

What have I got so far? Who’s my target? Am I looking for sexual appeal? Am I into appearances? And the question I’ve been asking myself, my sis’s, my friends lately…

Am I a Top or Bot?!

One friend said to me, sex is the foundation of relationship (it is for her), once she had this relationship with someone who’s so bad in bed (maybe not really that bad, but he just don’t know where to put his big penis which end up hurting her), she always end up having fight with that man for the same problem over and over.

Size really doesn’t matter, if one person can’t perform well as Top…
Big penis: Hurt
Small penis: don't feel a thing!

and with professional Tops would be...
Big penis: AHHH... I'M COMING!!
Small penis: AHHH... I'M COMING!!

Some people are into chubby and some people into muscle or lean figure. Even sometimes, there are also some people who are into rough dirty animalistic body (I don't understand). To me though, I don’t really care about chubby or muscle, as long as they’re not so skinny-I-could-break-his-bones or dirty, I’m good! But, I also think that there are some people who looked good chubby and some looked good muscled (and some in between). Like a friend of mine, she liked the look of her boyfriend even though people can totally see that he’s overly weight (but he still looked good! Before I just think he’s good in pickin’ his clothes, now I know he’s the type of person who looked good either way, chubby or fit)

Once I walked just to buy some stuff at the mall, I saw this good-looking man, he’s chubby, but he’s cute. At the first glance, I shouted loudly inside “I CAN DO HIM!” well, he’s totally gay the way he looked at me, but I think that’s his boyfriend next to him, so, NEXTT!!!

Am I into appearance? I think so, but in lower level I guess! I really don't mind chubby, as long as he’s still looking cute and stuff (FYI, there are people who’s totally against chubby! Even a little fat on the waist “NA AH! YOU WISH! BUBAY…”)

I have always been a Top for the past few relationships I had, and everybody always known me as Top, a questioned-top! (secara ngondek getohh!), although here and then, some asked me to be his bot and I said yes, half a penis I gave them time-out! It hurted a lot! Gosh! I reached the point where it was bleeding! Then the sex stopped. But these days, I always thought that it would be nice if I were a bot! But remembering the pain and blood, I don't think I want to have one of those ever again!

it's kinda confusing...

So what am i? I’m tired to be Top, and I can't be Bot! It kinda make me nothing, who wants to fuck nothing?!?!?! Awwww… I’m sadd…… ☹

Lots of Love! (my ass!)

faux.. oh.. faux

2007-06-10T04:12:00.000+09:00

Fake.. ahh… I know them very well… I’m not talking about human fake, or fake fur, or fake whatever (but yea, I can tell a fake person)… but designers faux!

Recently, while I’m having an afternoon tea with my dear friend Tom, looking through magazines, my eyes caught a big bold font in black: FAUX! With pictures of designer bags like LV, Prada, Christian Dior, Hermes, you name it! Since the thrill sense of fashionista inside my body tickle my wits to catch the latest information, so I read the long text in a subdued manner.

There, the writer (she) claims that there’s two type of being who carries a (as I wrote it by her word) Counterfeit. I can’t recall those two types of hers. But what I do remember is that when I read her writing, I’m a bit disagreeing. Maybe she’s just not really being specific, but of course there are more than just two types. I don't have to say it here right? I’m sure you people who carry one faux can judge, just like me with 2 of my fake Mangga Dua bags.

On second thought, maybe I can tell one type, well it’s me, one person who thought that the real designer bags they displayed artistically in Plaza Indonesia persuading a lovely minx fur speedy bag for unreasonable 29 million! Not really a favorite of high-end designer labels and bought the fake one because I thought the design is very nice and with nice quality too! (Yes, even though they’re fake, the leather is originally cow) moo…

And another type I know, a person who take advantage of the designer labels (although they know it’s fake, but when the quality is oh-so-nice, God knows!) and claim that they just bought they’re Mangga Dua Hermes in Dubai (I actually experienced this myself! We knew it’s fake, but she kept on going about her Versace’s Python Canyon bag. Dubai my ass!)

What about a person who just follow the fashion drift? People were using LV’s pattern, gotta find an LV’s pattern in mangga Dua? Well, that’s another type…

And a lot more! Duh! It’s people! One thousands peoples, one thousands personality right? (ahh… even sometimes one person have two personalities!)

Lots of Love!

suicide?

2007-06-07T16:31:00.000+09:00

it's back?!

2007-05-22T01:35:00.000+09:00

I just gain some knowledge that play childish chatting game is back! (As we all know, there’s only 40% truth on the IRC) most common is a fake name (I play those on my early years, but they still do that these days?), and fake pictures (to entice person who’s into cutie, like me, haha!) sometimes they used Asian celebrity pictures (amazingly some people enticed, idiot!). But here, I’m not talking those basic games. I’m talking about this game (not that basic but still is) created by using those basic games I talked earlier…

And please don’t judge me for chatting too much lately (I’m single and have nothing to do, it’s only natural!)

~D Playa
It’s called, play somebody else’s identity. Somehow, you found out that one nickname belonged to your ex or the person you missed or even the one you hurt. Sometimes, there’s this feeling that you wanted to know how’s that person holding up without that person have to know it is you the one who asked (you don’t want to risk your oh so mighty pride). That’s where you come up with new nick, and query that person and introduce yourself as Theodore when your real name is Ujang ;-P and of course, most people (that I know of), will ask for picture trading. It’s easy, you can just use someone’s blog that has picture in it or Friendster is much easier (remember to pick the cute one). Then it’s time to fill in your curiosity by asking some questions you need to know (but not too obvious and play it smart).

~D Played
You will not noticed it first when you’re chatting, but after a while, you realize that there’s something that does not add up to the stories that person told you earlier (yes, they could be so clever plotting stories, but they made mistakes too) and please don't underestimate me! I invented them!

Oh, and there’s a lower level for ‘fake pictures’, it’s a ‘touch-up’ pictures! Yes, these days, photoshop is so in, everybody’s (including me) using it! Smoothens your face? Done! Annoying pimples? Erased! Over-sized lips? Make it smaller please! Sexy cheekbone? Uh huh! Nothing to worry about the guilt of lying to people, it’s you! (Although after a couple ‘plastic surgeries’) it’s still you! You will have more chances getting phone numbers! Trust me! Although, you must be careful the time you finally meet up. You need to level up the expectation. Maybe, covering your face with huge sunglass? Go figure! (I warned people already, and I’m saying it again, all ma pictures are edited, my gratitude to photoshop! Don't even try to meet me!)

Ahh… games… can’t live without ‘em!

Lots of Love!

History has said...

2007-05-20T07:15:00.001+09:00

Among an ancient Greek civilian, not only homosexuality is allowed, but also valued. Slim young body, like boys have, was a form of an ideal beauty for ancient Greek male, and numbers of statues and paintings built to honor. Ancient Greek believed that homosexuality must be honored, held in higher level of pride and gives the inspirations for youth to joined the community. They also consider that young gays has shows that they’re very brave, and an accomplished heroes because they fought ‘for love’ (what?!?!)

Roman empire, Julius Caesar is illustrated as a man of ‘all women’ and a woman of ‘all men’.

When the Christians not approved of this homosexual non-sense and experienced that God destroy the Sodom city, to punished the homosexuals, the homosexual hides on their closets and never shows their nose in public ever since.

In the reign of queen Victoria, government refuse to believe that homosexual ever existed, even if they existed, the government consider that as a devil work and will be heavily penalize. When we enter the 21st century, most oldies still believed that homosexual is an abnormal behavior. The facts are that homosexual is already beginning when the male embryo didn't consume enough testosterone. Among the primates, homosexual behavior utilized to bond some group or a form of discipline that shows respect from youth to the elder.

Lots of Love!

Genetically Involved

2007-05-20T06:07:00.000+09:00

I just found out, that being gay is not a choice. It’s more like genetically influenced. Ha?! What do you say of that?!

Research has shown that, basic form of human body and brain is female at first. That’s why men have the typical body form like woman, like nipple. Men also have breast milk that’s not functioning but still got the potential to produce some. Thousands of cases about prisoners who produce breast milk from his nipple. That time, a great starvation caused illness that made malfunction liver and devastate their significant hormone for producing breast milk.

As we all know, six to eight weeks after the fertilization, a male embryo (XY) obtain large amount of male hormone called androgen, which first create scrotum (testis) and on the next doses, they transform from female brain to a pact of male brain. (We do know that male and female brain is completely different right?!) And if the male embryo didn't consume enough of male hormone on the right time, that baby boy might be born with a set of brain that’s a bit towards feminine than masculine. In other words, that baby boy might be gay on his puberty. Or, in some cases, a boy who's genetically a male, but with completely female brain pact with men ‘tools’ if you know what I’m talking about ;-) this boy at certain age will become a transgender, biologically male with female feelings. Even sometimes, this person born with two sets of genitals.

Surroundings hold a very small part for our behavior than we ever thought they did. Scientists find that actually there’s no outcome at all from the attempts parents did trying to suppress the homosexual behavior of their juvenile or adult sons. And the main reason is the lack of male hormone on their brain; that’s why most homosexual is male. (For female to become lesbian, they {female embryo XX} have to consume extra androgen/testosterone)

Sexual experts agreed that homosexual is an orientation that cannot be change. Most researchers believed that homosexual developed inside fetus, so the pattern of homosexual strongly built at the age of five, and that happens out of that person control. For centuries, many ways have been developed to suppress the homosexual behavior in ‘suffering’ ways, such as severing breasts, medicine therapy, front-brain surgery, mental therapy, shock therapy, spiritual consultation, unleash the ‘demon’ from the body, etc…
Not even one succeeded. The best result they achieved was to make some bisexual to restrain their sexual activities so they only do it with the opposite sex or to force the homosexual to be single forever with sin and fear, even push them to commit suicide.

Other research regarding gay sexual preference by National Cancer Institute has shown that homosexual built genetically. From collected statistics about families’ gene from 114 gay men shows that there are three times chances that parents, cousins, and the uncles, is also gay.

Mouse, a mammal that’s commonly used for research. They have the same hormones, genes, and core system just like human, but their brain’s not developing when still inside the fetus like human. if we give an androgen/testosterone to a female newly born mouse will cause that mouse to act aggressive like a male and hump any other females. All this transforming brain can only be done when the brain is in the stage of embryonic. The same methods applied to an adult rats, birds, and monkey indicated failed to create the same results because their brain has already strongly built while in the fetus.

Turns out, human testing about transforming brain is already been done in Russia! These experiments regarding human’s brain converting in some times. The result is the same as the mouse experiments. They changed boys to girls and girls to boys by changing their brain while they’re still inside the fetus by giving male hormone. Those researchers create gays, lesbians, and transsexuals. There are times when the embryo does not consume enough male hormones or consumed the hormones not in the right time. The result is a boy with two genitals.

While pregnancy, if the testosterones squashed and the embryo is a male, there’s a great chance the baby boy is gay. That thing could happen because it’s the female hormone that’s used to build the brain in the first place. An anxiety, tension pregnant woman will generate six times more chances of having a gay baby boy. And if it’s a female, then the baby will be a very feminine woman.
We all know the danger of alcohols and nicotine for pregnant woman also the positive effects of food control and free life from all tensions. New research by experts such as Dr. Vivette Glover in London’s Chelsea Hospital shows that a tension pregnant woman gave birth to a baby who can’t live under pressure. Dr. Glenn Wilson from Psychiatrics Institute in London, said “Certain chemical medicines could agitate the function of testosterone and the result is a gay baby boy”
If the embryo carried a female genetic (XX) and the brain consumes enough male hormones, then she will born a female with a brain working like a male. As teenager, this female usually called tomb-boy and they play harder than any of her girlfriends. They tend to produce more hair than any other girls on their puberty, also have a greater ability to play ball. As adults sometimes they called themselves butch. Most of them become lesbians. The consume of male hormone sometimes unintended did happened, such as when the pregnant woman drink a medicine that hold a large amount of male hormone like contraception pill, diabetes pill, and other medicines.
One research of a diabetes pregnant woman in the 50s and 60s shows that there’s a lot of cases about a female that turn lesbian on their puberty because they consume too many male hormone from the diabetes medicine her mother used while the development of the brain inside the fetus.
The same thing also happened, where the research shows that a pregnant woman that consume too many female hormone / estrogen with the hope of helping the pregnancy, have five to ten times more chance of having a gay baby boy.

So, after all these experiments by some graduated professors, and researchers, and the experts in everything, you’re not still thinking that gay is a choice right? It’s all genetically involved!

Lots of Love!

Woman

2007-05-19T22:59:00.000+09:00

I’ve heard, people (woman) actually said that they have these theories that they’re actually just something that can be inherit. As I literally wrote it by their words “woman frequently considered as something that can be inherit. After childhood they belonged to their father, then they belongs to their husband, and after that, they belongs to their kids”

Is that true? Or stupid? (Hell, I think that’s plain stupid)

Woman… oh woman… how do they expect to have their emancipation if that’s their way of thinking. No wonder how men rules over thousands of years and thought of woman as end-of-day bonus.

Yes, they belonged to their father, but do they even think that they belonged to their mother also? A woman! And belongs to their husband? Did most wives think of themselves that way? I’m sure western people didn’t thought that way, take Desperate Housewives for example, the movie was based on how housewives in America did their lives, every problem they’re facing, every errands they run, and sometimes they’re desperate, but I guess not as desperate as woman here who thought they’re some kind of ‘stuff’ their parents inherit. If you watched the movies, you will see that the relationship between both wife and husband were equal. Because each of them know what they’re duty on the first place. Husbands working and wives taking care of the house and kids, and sometimes it goes the other way around, like Tom and Lynette, Lynette’s working while Tom watching the kids. How was it that they (women here) still even thought of themselves some sort of legacy?

And on the same page, they also said “once I thought, maybe just when we die, woman could really, really be herself. But that thought definitely was a mistake after I had my second semester. From Greek mythology, I found out that when woman were born, they’re cursed by Artemis, they’re whole lives will always to sacrifice herself”

Now this is getting nowhere! They even believe an ancient mythology? (Now I’m curious if she’s one of those ‘blast from the past’ people). You’re living in a world where you can dial up for visual sex for Christ sake!

Oh, and here’s something funny…

“Ah… even when they’re dead, a woman never really own herself, but God owns them, they’re cursed to be an angel to decorate heaven, fulfilling men sexual needs”

Oh crap!

Lost of Love! (Definitely those women were lost!)

Lo.ne.ly

2007-05-16T08:30:00.000+09:00

Have you ever finds that you feel so lonely in a crowd? Some said, perhaps because we never really know that crowd… hell, that crowd is my own family! I guess, only one answer to that, you don’t have a partner!

Why is it that we needed partner so bad? We do have family and friends! And so, even though we do have partner, what do we usually do? Dating? Then what, movies? Then, if we haven't found ourselves a partner, instead of dating or movies, we can always spend our extra time hanging out with our friends or movies with family. So what makes it so different?

Denying, we’re in desperate need of that! Ignoring that even though friends and families always there for us, they have a life too. Guess we can't really be too selfish to dominate on their lives. And that’s where we found ourselves really lonely. Who to blame? Our self who Pathetically couldn’t even find a partner, that’s who! Well, can't really blame me, actually, for not having a sensitive side that’s needed to understand when I’ve tried so damn hard! I am too selfish anyway; wonder if that makes me a terrible boyfriend? Of course!

One friend, I asked to define what true love meant to him, he said, (with my words, apparently his words were too dense)…

True love is for us to love our self and to accept for who we are, never have doubts for us… when we reaches that point, we meet someone who feel the same way about themselves like we do. Cause if we don’t love our self, how do we expect to love other? It goes the other way around.

Anyway, love is too complex, we can’t really said anything about love. New problem come after a solved problem right? Life’s always is!

Why am I always writing about love is out of my own control! I am, in fact, tired about all this, I have always remind myself to stop all this, yet, here I am, talking this lonely bla bla, for the reason of love!

Lots of Love!

FINE, I THOUGHT WRONG!

2007-05-12T05:36:00.000+09:00

I have uttered on my late blog that I still maintain friends with my ex-es cause I think (that’s me who’s thinking) it’s ok to become friends with your ex. So, without thinking any further, I just message them as usual, calling up for coffee, asking things I knew they’re the expert, and when they asked me to go out with them having dinner, I said yes. Am I wrong? That’s what friends do right? (at least that’s what I thought)

One of my friend, my ex, whatever, ask me to have some late coffee recently, it was around 9 PM, I have nothing to do anyway, so I said yes. At first I really enjoy it, I share some stories about my recent ‘break ups’ and he told me story about his love-journey with all three men at once. Then he said he’s in some sort of dilemma… I thought it was about that third men who’s apparently liked him so much but he didn’t really have the feelings. So, as Friend, I gave him some advices that’s apparently all his friends already gave (nothing I can do pretty much eh?) but he said that’s not the problem he’s facing right now… at that time, I knew where that was going, but pretending don't know a thing, I just ask him what’s wrong…

As usual, the drama of his life was reminisced! As if I haven’t heard of that enough, he kept on reminiscing the old days of ‘us’ together back then! But, as polite as possible I just nod and drink and nod and smoked… proximately about an hour until he finally reached his point that he still has certain feelings for me and wanted me back! Already knew, but I acted surprised (I did well)

I told him, all this times that we’re (me & him) apart, even though I had ups and downs on some relationship, never once I ever think of getting back together with him. Why? I never told him this, but I still think he’s still immature in someway and still as fake as that LV bag I had. All the words that came out from his mouth, all that stories, it was all devious… and I knew him for one and half year… so I knew that’s his best feature.

He’s in denial and still thinking I would think of getting back together… and then he said what’s with all that messages and phone calls to him if I’m not planning on getting back together… I told him couple of times, that’s not giving hope, that’s just a friend asking one friend about something!

Again, as a friend, I gave him some advices. I have always thought, if someone’s breaking up with you and you’re still in love to that one person, it’s best if you stay away from him as far as possible, never contact and avoid all places that you think you might bump into him… what did that do to me? I still can't sleep at night, blank all the time… so I called my always friend Elena for comfort and of course to share… she said, all I did was wrong and stupid! She said, that I’m just avoiding the inevitable, the problem itself, rather than facing it. So she told me, if I wanted free from this problem, I have to face it. As I quote her, ‘be his friend, at least you can still see him, and you’ll see it yourself that he’s not giving any hope for you’. Make sense actually… if I make friends with him, he’ll tell me stories about his new man, first maybe irritating, but if it goes and goes and goes… that’s when I know I have no hope so I can move on!

So that is exactly what I said to my ex, be friends with me… he’s still saying how everybody else can get their second chance but not him… I’m getting pissed, I told him harshly, all that people he’s illustrated were still have feelings for each other, that’s why they can get back together, but not us…

And so, I thought that him and me cannot be friends anymore, and I told him that. He nodded. Then he asked me not to contact any of his friends, cause if I do, all his friends will sort of ‘report’ to him about me, and that’ll make him sad. But of course! I’m not really close to all his friends anyway…

I guess, I thought wrong, how you can't be friends with your ex who's apparently still have feelings for you! But, for me, even though (IF) I still in have feelings for my ex, I really want to make friends with them, I think I can face the fact… No, I have to face the facts than to refuse it!

Lots of Love!

Love you anyway...

2007-05-11T17:49:00.000+09:00

It’s 10 PM
And you’re late again
And I can’t understand
What kept you so long?

Now look at you
Wearing that shirt again
Don’t you realize
How ugly that thing is?

Here it comes
You complain again
Complain about everything
It’s driving me mad!

But even so
I love you anyway
No matter how things have gone
You’ll always have me

Pets

2007-05-08T18:07:00.000+09:00

Accessories or friend?

A Chihuahua dog named Tinkerbell. I’m sure many people know this one, he’s (or she’s, I don't know) quiet popular among the media. Many newspapers or magazines have written all about this little dog, little Tinkerbell. So-called pet belongs to an heir of one famous hotel all over the world. Wearing many designers dog outfit, shiny jewelleries, and all that maintenance.

With the owner partying all night, all days, I was just wondering… is Tinkerbell an accessories or a friend? As a variety in exchange of Prada bracelets or just a friendly pet?

Nowadays, I’m thinking, pets are not friends for sharing your broken hearts or keeping you happy when you’re down anymore. They’re more like ‘something’ to upgrade your lifestyle thanks to that heir. We brought our pet with us everywhere, all bling-bling and stylicious. People is more like ‘aww.. he’s very cute!’ rather than ‘did you bathe him yourself?’ ‘did you feed him yourself?’…

We should really think this starting from our self. After all that day we showed our so-called pet to our clique, did we bathe or feed our own dog our self? As I read from some books about pets, in this case a dog, they know who their ‘mother’ is and they expect us to care about him as they care about us when we’re feeling down. They have feelings too, they’re sensitive just like us, they cried (although sometimes we didn’t know the difference between they’re crying or their eyes been visited by dust) just like us when we left them all alone. And what did most of us do? When we’re alone and sad from broke heart, we shared to them, we cried to them, they listen, they care, they do things they hope that’ll make you laugh. Yes, we bathe them our self and we feed them. The time we got our self a partner, we left them home with our maid to clean their poo, to bathe them, to feed them, when we’re out having a classy dinner and action movies. It’s ok to left dead things like toys or dolls (if you still play them) behind when we’re on a date, because they’re toys, they don't have feelings (Toy story 2 just exaggerating! Duh!) but dogs, they knew when we left them all alone, what can they do? Pretend nothing happened and just be happy for you? Yes, they can only do that. Hoping that someday you and your date and him will be a very happy family together (that is until your baby come along). And if your date’s going pretty well, they can just assume that your maid is their new ‘mommy’!

Lots of love!

Plagiat

2007-05-05T20:12:00.001+09:00

It comes from :

Pla.gia.rism. n
1. Copying what somebody else has written or taking somebody’s else’s idea and trying to pass it off as original
2. Something copied from somebody else’s work, or somebody else’s idea that somebody presents as his or her own

As you all can read, it’s the behavior of people copycatting others. Who doesn’t? All the people in this world subconsciously perform plagiarism on their daily routine. We have to see it from the smallest amount of people’s behavior. Like breakfast for starter. Whoever starts a set of bread and milk for their breakfast did well, since large amount of people’s followed. And don't get me started with fashion movement worldwide! See, all the people adopt plagiarism (by all means, literally all! Kids, teenager, adult, oldies, and all professions too!) and they think they’re the trendsetter? There’s nothing in this world’s still original, want to talk about the creative department? Yes, they made all the original ad (and creative too!), but call me and judge me if they didn’t have the source of their idea. Ambience of one social campaign for smoking, they made this smoking room door shaped like coffin. It’s original, yes; nobody ever used it for any ambience nor ad. But still, the source is the coffin itself, a place where they put the dead inside. Still confused with what I’m telling you? Forget it, don't read the rest!

Fashion industry is full of plagiarism. Why do you think they sell fake Louis Vuitton everywhere and for 1/10 from LV price tags? But lets not go there, it’s too far. What about fashion industry in Indonesia? What happened to our local distro? I’ve heard their designs have been stolen by huge local company, changed the color a bit, printed in large amount of numbers, sell it through local hyper mart for half price, and of course, the company made a huge profit (since they don't have to hire a graphic designer and let’s face it, it’s very cheap to make a t-shirt with poor quality like most company used). No one can do anything. They changed the design right? (although only the color and maybe a little on the designs) can’t sue ‘em! Yes, the little t-shirt business people can’t do a thing even though they feel bothered. And their income is not as good as before too, that’s why a lot of them goes bankrupt.

Me, on the other hand, trying to do a little t-shirt business like the little people. I’m not sure it can grow big, but what the heck! I’m gonna try it! Looking that people’s cannot free them self from plagiarism, I took the hint and made my own brand called plagiat. (yes, it’s Indonesian for plagiarism). Hoping that huge numbers of people cannot free them self from my tees ;-) (keep buying!)

(p.s the colour's actually shocking pink! false technically)

On why I use eye as the logo of plagiat is very simple actually and I’m sure lots of people will understand (I may already told some). You saw and you copy! Of course you copy with your eyes right? ;-) and I picked shocking pink?! For guys t-shirt?! The way I see it, there’s no more boundaries between both genders. A lot of stores sell various polo or t-shirt for man with the color pink (either soft pink or pink), and many too, wore them (although mostly, maybe, sexually challenged). And besides, pink is hot now! ;-)

p.s. the word, sexually challenged, I don’t mean it the negative way. Of course there’s nothing wrong by being that. It’s normal (for me at least)! I wrote challenged because, of course, facing the negativity from people who like to judge, families, friends, colleagues, cultures, and maybe the burden of being the first born? Who knows... it’s challenging! It’s fun too! ;-)

Lots of Love!

Don't Try to Drive a Ferrari if You Can't Handle the Wheels

2007-05-01T15:11:00.000+09:00

That is actually not really an accurate and a stupid saying for one person to say. Cause as we know, when we love something so much, in this case a Ferrari, we can’t handle them the first time, but we can learn to drive them. Why else they give us a handbook? Unless, if the saying goes like what Gabrielle Solis said in one episode of Desperate Housewives “don't try to hijack a Ferrari if you can’t drive them” (take a careful attention at the word ‘hijack’). In a haste situation like that, you have to know how to drive it without the handbook; you’re stealing for Christ sake, run before the owner comes to you! If you drive it so recklessly, of course the Ferrari would prefer its owner!

Yes, the saying was supposed to go for relationships.

For two single persons to know and understand each other, it takes times, a hell lot of time. Pieces by pieces we add until finally we see the big picture. We know them and they know us at the end. This is where we finally become a master driving a Ferrari.

For one single person to come into other relationship as the third person, you’ve got to know how to please one until that one finally made her final choice at you. (It’s not that I suggest people to become the third person! Don't slip into other relationship, it’s bad!) what I’m saying was, if you like her so much and you think you’re much better than her current boyfriend, you can show her that you got what it takes to handle her, it’s her choice at the end anyway. But if you can't handle her the way her boyfriend does, you end up humiliating yourself! (Like Zach young in the movies!)

But I’m not surprise how a Ferrari can be so cocky.
So bye-bye Ferrari! ☺

Lots of Love!

conceptual photography

2007-04-28T02:58:00.000+09:00

people called me narccist
for taking ma own pictures

what the hell!

i liked it so much!!

Lots of Love!

About Me

2007-04-26T21:10:00.000+09:00

I may think…

I’m slow, I’m pathetic, I may think I’m creative, but I’m not. I don’t know what to do with my life, too lazy to go out of bed. My face? It’s too standard, I do tricks to all my pictures, it’s fake! Don’t trust anything I said, I’m a freaking liar. I say bad things about other people, I’m sick; I do that just to feel good about myself. You don't want to make friends with me, I have this reputation for stabbing my friends on their back. I talk nasty; I can’t help it. I’m self-centered, when u have your coffee time with me, I will never let you talk about your problem, because I’m the only one who can share my problem. Yes, some of them still share their problem, I hear them, then it goes right out from my other ear. My voice is irritating, yet I still sang in the car full of people, I don't care if they like it or not. I am a nuisance to all my friends, that’s why I don’t have any friends. My siblings, they can’t do anything, cause I’m still living in the house, when I have certain dilemma, I drag them down with me. My ex never liked me (after I break up with them), cause when I break up with them, I never gave any closure at all, cause I think it’s stupid and a waste of time, so long for maintaining friendship with them. I judge people all the time, too skinny, too bitchy, too ugly, too stupid… you definitely don't want to go out with me… you’re a non-smoker? I don't care! I’m still sitting in the smoking area. You like to go watch some movies? Well, too bad I don't like; watch it yourself! I’m a selfish pig, never care about anybody but me! I have nothing I can proud of, but still I’m acting like a jerk. I don't have any talent, business mind, or whatever that needed to earn some income. Ow right, I have talent though, I’m good at talking behind people’s back! It’s a gift I guess. I’m this two-faced monster, sometimes when I liked someone, I act very nice and gentle and decent, they don't know what I did behind their back! Never ever think of making me your boyfriend, I will cheat a lot. And if you think it’s ok to make me your boyfriend because you think you cheat a lot too, never hope, cause I only like to play with those foolish who think love is everything. I like to be the third person in someone’s relationship. It gives me a great rush that I secretly love so much! I like to see the pain people’s going through; it’s my dessert. The sound of people’s crying is my music. The view of people’s sadness is my box office.

but They think…

I’m a creative person with so many ideas, that’s why some of them ask for my help, they think I’m this independent person who know what to do with my life, they still think I’m too lazy to go out of bed! They think I’m not that photogenic (that is actually a compliment, meaning I’m better in person). they seems to trust me, but they definitely know when I’m lying (they can see it in my face). They still think I’m that person who says bad things about other people (but then they said, who doesn’t?!) they never think I ever stabbed them on their back (that’s why when they misunderstood my blog, they confront me right away). Yes they think I’m self-centered, but they said it’s ok because I still listen to their problem and gives some advices (although it doesn’t help much, they appreciate my efforts). My voice’s still irritating for them, when I start singing out loud, they do certain thing that make me uncomfortable and it make me stopped singing. Although they never think I’m such a nuisance, they think I need more friends (apparently they think I don't have much friends). They like the connection between me and my siblings, they think we’re so close (I did share a lot to my sister). They don't know if my ex have forgiven me or not, cause I missed closuring and they think it’s too fatal. They think I judge people I don't know, hell, everybody is! They still go out with me, and they still sit in the smoking area with me even though they're not smoking. They know I don’t like to watch movies, they made a deal with me, they will do stuff I like if I watch that movies with them (interesting). They think I should be more proud of my talent in designs (they think I have talent? Wow!), although they said I don’t have any clue in doing business (that’s why I’m stuck!) talking about people’s behind their back? It’s not a gift! It’s naturally comes from human blood. Everybody has it! They said, when I liked someone, I act so cool, it makes them puke to see me maintaining my self-image! (well, hellow, it’s the first date! It’s only natural!). I’m a cheater they said, cause I’ve cheated once. But one friend actually proud of me, because before, when I had a long distance relationship, I never cheated even once. She never thought I’m that loyal as a person (what the hell is that supposed to mean?). She sees me as a person who cherish love so much and hurt easily (hell, she’s the person who I always go for advices, and a lot! she always there for me!).

Oww.. dat’s so sweet.. Bee-Yatches!! Hahaha…
but which one's true? well, you judge!
you know i can't judge myself!

Anyway, for ‘she’, I thanked you very much! You understand my selfishness and never expect me to change! (‘cause if I changed, u think I’m not myself again). And I’m happy for you that you found your Mr. Right! Help me find ‘the one’! Hahaha…

Lots of Love!

give up on love?

2007-04-25T23:17:00.001+09:00

so i give up on love
i guess i've had enough
and i dont give a fu**
what can i do?
just when i found the one
and i think love's begun
it's falling through

so i will dry my eyes
and i'll just fantasize
and i'll get moisturize
and think of u...

hah! cute! a song by geri halliwell

a funny melodies too! :-)

am i giving up on love? ofcourse not!
love is the greatest gift of all (according to ewan Mcgregor in moulin rouge)
it is though! love will break you down but love also gives you happiness!
and i said, for love, it worth the pain!
spread love all over baby!

Lots of Love!

ending

2007-04-25T17:03:00.000+09:00

Time goes by, but we stand still
Love you for eternity I will
I know that we were meant to be
That’s how I feel when you’re with me

An old song I know, obviously about love. A song that’s so cliché, it makes people these days puke just listening to the lyrics. And when you know the singer, you will definitely puke twice. While people were puking themselves til’ death, this particular song gives me memories. A sweet memory, a sweet short relationship I had. And I’m the one who messed things up. Ironic? Definitely! I’m the one who had it going on, and I’m also the one who ruin all the good things. Well, just like Nelly Furtado said, all good things come to an end! Then again, it’s my gift to always look everything on the bright side. I have certain experience; I gain something, something that will help me see my dark self, so I will never ever make the same mistakes again. But, have I moved on?... I doubt it. It takes time. Of course I can go through it. How do you think I lived my life? ☺

And now… I close the gate

Lots of love!

From Ex to Dates?

2007-04-24T18:49:00.000+09:00

I never believe in getting back together with any of my ex. To me, that was my past and I’m not planning on going backward. Why do I have to see my past when I have all the future ahead of me? Yes, I still maintain friend with my ex, and is that a bad thing? I don’t think so! Cause I’m having a good time with them, why not be friend? It’s a good thing, for me or for mankind at least. But just the thought of getting back together after those break ups, weird me out (And please don't get me wrong again with my statement above, see only the positive thing).

But after I experienced all of my friends’ love life (a lot of them getting back together with their ex), One says ‘you will know, you will feel it inside you, when u find your true love!’, ‘in one person life, they find so many true love, until the time they meet ‘the One’’. Ok, so I find it, the level in relationship…

First comes friend for benefits; one you definitely can count on them fulfilling your loneliness needs, but you can’t really count on their faithfulness, anyway you both have no commitment.

Second comes puppy love; the one who’s keeping you company through you life, only with commitment. He/she is your partner and of course u like them so much, you missed them so much, but you figure if you love them or not… (one friend told me, love is a sacred feeling, deep feeling, where you make yourself able to sacrifice your everything when it comes to relationship)

Third comes the true love; one level of course above puppy love, you knew you love him/her, although sometimes you have these doubts if they love you or not. on this part, it's all about jealousy!

And fourth comes the one; instantly you knew both of you love each other (still need a phase though). You knew each other, you trust each other, and you understand each other. There’s no jealousy (a little maybe), cause each both of you knew, is cheating with another person worth the love life you built so hard and takes a lot of understanding and trust/prove? Then you will have a second thought for cheating.

It got me thinking; on why I don't want to get back together with my ex-es, maybe I just haven’t found my ‘true love’! All these times, I’ve only been playing puppy love. Yes, I said the ‘love’ word, but if it was really come from my heart, I doubt it. I guess my love life before was just not long enough to reach true love.

So, to reach ‘true love’ or even ‘the one’, does it really takes a long period of time? Well, I say it really depend on how two person connected to each other!

and for my date, you don't have to worry about my ex, they're basically my good friends now! the one you should watch out is the hot ones. hahaha... ;-)

Lots of love!

How to know your partner's Unfaithful?

2007-04-24T18:46:00.000+09:00

I don't really know what happened to me in the last couple of days. It really freaked me out the way I act and everything. I became one of those guys I hate. Silent and never really talk about how I feel (ARGHHH, then again, this blog is all about me after all!)

Sometimes we feel it would be better if we just keep it inside about how we really feel than just talk it out loud when we don’t know if the feelings true or not. And that’s when we become really silent. Why? I’m guessing, we don’t want to be so cliché. Like when our partner ask us ‘have u ever missed someone so much that you shivers inside?’ and we answer ‘yes baby, and it’s you!’ although it maybe… MAYBE true, what we get is definitely ‘ow.. That is so sweet, I love you baby’ when inside they’re thinking ‘what a sweet talker!’, on the bright side they still, somehow, happy!

People these days are getting brighter and brighter in handling a relationship. They know if one is telling the truth or not. They know if one is a sweet talker or naturally sweet. They can create this fake story that forced you, in one way or another, to admit that you cheated. Then again, when one can get brighter, another can get tricky. Of course they can fake story, but another can even make fake stories to handle the fake story from 1st party and play along.

I know this friend of mine, she’s a bright woman working as English teacher in an international school. She watched Sex and the City, she read Cosmopolitan, and I’m guessing she must know much about relationships with all the drama and the dark side. Recently thou’, long story short, she found out that her boyfriend were lying to her, he said that he was going to his aunt house and we found him in one club cuddling another woman. And yes, she broke up with him, for 2 days!! Man, I think she’s so independent, I guessed wrong. Somehow, during those 2 days, he make up this whole stories (which I still think is a fake) that made her forgive him. She said to me, in her own words, ‘I will give him a second chance, if he is a cheater; he would do the same again right? And that’s when I know he’s not worthy’. And I said ‘OK, be in denial, this is the desperate you anyway’, a bit harsh, but I’m hoping she got the point. Not long after that, I’m guessing one month? Or less! I found out he lied again. But of course she’s not pointing it out like that (apparently she know I will judge her), but I knew from the moment it’s all about her boyfriend! She still thinking of getting back together though, but she will gives a 3 days break up. She made up her mind so well, that same night she ran to her boyfriend place and talked it out! The next day, they’re getting back together and happily ever after! Take that ‘not worthy’ dear!

It’s none of my problem, but I still don’t like him until now! ;-)

At the end of this blog, I still don’t know how to know if my partner’s unfaithful or not. But I promise myself I will find a trick! From professionals cheater!

Lots of love!

All that things...

2007-04-12T05:25:00.000+09:00

nu hair cut

I was having a mental breakdown for the break up starting last month. I had someone breaking me up for some reason I didn't even know. I didn't know what I did, what I said, it’s just gone like that. And it makes me sick! What I need was just a closure, like everybody else (then it hits me, I think that I might missed closuring for my last break up… ah well!) I didn't even think I could love again (well, at least for one year or two, I will fall in love eventually) so soon. Well at least that what was I thought it would be.

Unfortunately, as I wrote in my last few blogs, I like someone so easy (translate into cheap). I know sometimes I’m overly exaggerating the situations, but it seems like I’ve always knew, when it comes for love, someone’s going to get hurt, and until last month I never knew that someone’s might be me! I’m pretty shallow to think about this, but I just don't want to get hurt. So, in order to not be in love and fulfilling my needs as a single is to perform like a playboy (like I have the looks!). I just meet with new peoples, have fun together, and when I feel there’s some sparks between us, I can always run away and find someone else new! But if there’s no sparks at all but it still is fun, we can maintain friend. I had it going on in the past few dates (it’s a short list thou), I’ve succeeded! Until… (Not getting into that now).

I’ve always had so many strategies I’ve plotted for dating, some I might do, but some I just think it’s too corky to bring to life (I can assure you it had nothing to do with playing games in relationship, cause I did all this strategies before I stepped into those relationships). One of them is, I’m totally into cute and hot guys, I do! But they’re always been a fling for me, nothing more. And for relationships I prefer someone less cute and hot, but still have potential to be cute (I’m not really into dirty, stinky, ‘ugly’ ones, omigod, I’m so SHALLOW!). no offence to any of my ex-es, but some friends of mine don't always think I choose the right partner (considering the looks). But I’ve always told them too that I see something special in that one even though he’s not that cute or hot. And anyway, I never have to be worried about getting jealous for them (hah! Although some certain condition I did got jealous! Silly!). but I still aware that there were always a chance that they might cheated on me, but Instead of stressed out, I can always think that they’re not good enough for me if they cheated on me. Having these things plotted, turned out, doesn’t really saved me from getting hurt (last ex). I think this too was the reason why I’m so tired of relationships, other than that hurt bullshit, I can’t really be myself, I cannot be too open, there’s always a boundaries, and so on, so on. (and it’s tiring plotting for your dates, so much!)

And now, I’m dating again (duh!), although it’s only that 5 days thing. at first I didn’t really think that I will date this one, why?, he’s very cute, charming, easy going, the one that I think have 90% chance cheating on me (with all his out there friends, which I don’t mind), when I’m looking for someone who’s only got 20% chance cheating. But there’s a lot of things that he does that makes me go crazy! All the little things, all the talk-a-talk, all the putting-me-first, MY! It’s like, I feel very transparent around him, he could see me through! He’d always knew what my thoughts was and do exact same thing as I want him to. But of course, I tried (so hard) couple times avoiding him, I didn't want to call or message him, and I ask him nicely to just back up. Not so much of a result thou, I kept on calling and messaging (damn!). I even did things I never did to my ex-es nor my flings, I sacrificed. Man, this is going to be a huge problem for me. But I’m ready to take all the chances; I didn't even really care about all the chances. For once I just don't want to think about all this complicated dating things (just go with the flow). Play fun

Lots of Love!

Five Nights Stand

2007-04-10T23:50:00.000+09:00

;-)

I may think I know the whole concept about one nightstand, but apparently according to one fellow friend, I have no idea. People tend to think one nightstand is playing sex with one stranger individual just for one night, that’s why the phrase is commonly and bluntly used in a chatting district. To him, yes, the basic idea about one night stand is to have sex just for one night, but he also think that the idea is about 2 person having a great one happy night with just talk and do stuff that’s fun (I’m not really sure that is what people ‘in this country’ were assuming of one night stand, then again, I’m not that out of a person, but I kinda like the idea).

It is actually nice if there’s this kind of whole new concept for two people just having laughs all day all night (not too obvious called dating), no no, actually similar to dating but we take it to the next level, it’s more like we feel like we already knew each other for 1 year although essentially we just met (how crazy and fabulous is that!). And of course human being equal never satisfied, it seems like they don’t want to let go cause it’s so much fun, no boundaries, no maintaining self-image, and all crazy things you’d do to your friends you know for quiet long enough you feel comfort around them (but this time you do it to your so-called partner). Then comes this idea of how about make it 5 times, five nights stand! Then I asked, why 5 times? Why not 3 or 4 or 10? Apparently he only has five days free (why? it’s confidential), why not make the utmost of the free days? (Good point!)

And this is only for a couple that stupidly think they will never be together for the reason of differences such as, families, financials, religions, cultures, looks, and so many other stuff that one person think his/her partner can’t tolerate, but you can’t deny that the two of u had a very nice evening together (you know how hard it is to find someone who understand what you’re talking about and debate about all unnecessarily things that become necessary in an uncomfortable silences)

I say, if it’s fun and nice and you both like each other very very very much (unless if u think u like him/her, when inside you actually only like the rush), go for it! Not just for 5 days, be together, be a lover! (What am I talking about?!?! Even now I’m still confused about this particular problem and I gave advices to people, what a nasty little liar!). But I think its true, life’s too short, stop thinking too pessimistic, and enjoy life! Cause u never knows what’ll happen next when u stop now, it could be bad, but it also could be beautiful. Take that chances, anyway it’s only 50/50.

Lots of love!

playing games

2007-04-09T22:27:00.000+09:00

hard to get, revenge, affair, name them all, I’ve done them. What did I get? None! Ow wait, I got hurt, left, no love… why do I feel like I need to play games, when all I have to do exactly is to say ‘I love’ when I love someone, and ‘I don’t’ when I don’t! it seems easy in theory, much harder on practicing (hell, everything is!). Although, under certain circumstances, it’s better to not love than too madly in love. I’m just like a puppy, pet my hair, say nice things, kiss good, and then BAM!, I love you! I’m so cheap; I fell in love easily! And the way I handle it? I’m not playing games (perhaps people think I’m playing games, but I’m not), I just end things first before it gets too deep (I’m a bit of possessive), it will not do good for me, and I’m sure it’s not good for them too. Am I playing games with avoiding? I don’t really know what’s the meter for games. But I know one thing, if this is another games I’m playing, I really don’t mean it, and I’m sorry to people I’m messing with.

I really like this guy, seems nice, never bored with me (what a sweet talk!), and all the little things he do, but then again he’s everything I’ve told to myself I won’t date; he’s my age, not really mature (or so I thought), still confused with his sexuality (I never liked Bi)… got me thinking, this is not going to be so well in the future. Better save then hurt, the avoiding is beginning. But since i am oh-so-selfish, I don’t want him to think I don’t like him, cause I don’t want that gate closed forever. I don’t want to think that there’s no opportunity that someday we might get together (what am I thinking, I don’t even know if he likes me or not! man I’m over confidence!).

and if I’m doing this, it’s not going to be fair for him. I know I don’t want him to think that I don’t love him, but I also don’t want him to think that I’m that kind of person who likes to play games and leave him hanging there with no answer whatsoever from me (it hurts, and I know cause I’ve been there). And now I know I have to decide.

And then he messages me, asking me to go out with tonight eating ice cream and stuff like that (never been happier!). And I said yes!

but, ow wait, What’d I get? Stood up, yes.. i will never be happy :-) haha..

hmm… although, I’m pretty sure it’s just misunderstanding.. anyway I’m sorry

lots of love

dysfunctional to functional

2007-04-04T03:03:00.001+09:00

Liquid Coffee

it is very interesting how you can study more for your life purposes out side of legal study departement. lets take coffee shop for warming up (apparently that's what i do most), other than sipping your favourite coffee, u can do a bunch of things at this place, you can always enjoy it with your friends, talking, hanging out, you can also see fresh meat in the market of who's-hot-who's-not, what else? do your urgent project which is very boring and comes to an end when u do at home? check! read some foreign magazine you feel hard to find locally or maybe you can find it but it's damn expensive? check! feel good about yourself by making fun of a lot others? (haha) check! drinking alcohol cause u think clubbing's not hot anymore? (they're not only serving coffee these days) check! escape from home in the middle of the night, and dont forget dating? check and check!! and a lot other things!

u can also eavesdrop on others conversations, it's bad, but at least you know what's going on with this world. Couple days ago, I happened to catch 2 guys conversation (I don’t mean it, but it got interesting). At first they only getting to know each other by asking age, where do you live, what do you do, things that you would’ve ask on first date, I’m getting ready to read my celebrity paper cause it’s so obvious they’re on their first date… but then, one guy pull out something small from his pocket (that looked like vitamin, and I have a glance of him looking around first before pulling the ‘vitamin’ out from his pocket) and for half second, the other guy take it and put it inside his pocket (and look around again, obviously he don’t want anyone to see what he’s taking).

And lets talk about these small vitamins with yellow color inside a small anti-bacteria plastic bag (doctors usually putting some medicine on ‘em), I’m sure it’s just medicine, but why the fear? It got me questioned them, and then I take a better look at the guy who gave the ‘vitamins’, thin tall dark-skinned man, black under his eyes (looks like haven’t slept for days), looked like a junkie. And the other guy, old-almost-bald man, seems healthy, seems curious at the thing, the type you will find at one club with one woman (that’s young enough to be his daughter) in one arm and a glass of beer on the other.. hmm… it got me thinking… were they… but then… you judge!

my 'nick'

2007-04-04T02:54:00.000+09:00

I enjoy food very much, but then again, who doesn’t (perhaps models?), especially pork. Why? They have so many vitamins, and as I’ve heard, vitamins for brain (that’ll do good for me), plus they taste very nice (especially when my mum cooked it!), and much various recipe you can do with them.

And ow, I just remember, people are calling me pig (or as I hear my workmates call me ‘water pig’ whatever that means). Does it because I ate a lot of pork? If it does, I ate a lot of beef and chicken too you know, why don’t they call me cow or chicken? (I am too ‘chicken’ anyway). But then, I’m sure they’re not that shallow calling me pig because I ate pork, but what could it be?

Hmm… because I’m fat? I am a little heavier than my ideal weight, maybe that makes me look like pig? I do have a lot of other friends that I think is fatter than me (not that I’m pointing), but I don't call them pig or fat or giant or other things that shows their over-weight figure, cause personally I think that’s not how you call your friends (under several consequences like joking is another thing; with the person being called aware of). But if it again is, maybe I should do more work out and lose my weight more (which I’m trying so hard now), anyway there’s always a fresh and yummy sight at the fitness centre.

I have one more thing that might give me a hint on why they’re calling me pig. Do I smell bad? Ok, Sometimes when I’m out with the heat outside and all the dust, I’m all sweaty and it makes me very far to be on a perfume ad, but who doesn’t? It’s human; they got sweat. But, I take it, and I guess I should buy more perfume then.

I take it all, but I still refuse people calling me pig, I prefer something much more tasty. Like ‘hot handsome guy’ perhaps? ;-p

this is how it feels like...

2007-04-01T23:14:00.000+09:00

both @ snow world

A year ago, I never knew why people stressed out, losing their mind, cried, and any other pathetic things just over a break up! I listened to so many hearts broken, and yes, I gave them advices when they don’t know that I never had a teeny winy heartbreak. And how did I do it, well actually I never said anything, they just talk and talk and talk, and when I gave them a comforting lies, they thanked me for supporting and for always be there for them.

For these 24 magical years I’m living my life, never once I ever ignore foods, not sleeping for 48 hours, don’t want to see anybody, don’t want to go out when it comes to a broken heart in relationships. Partners comes and goes, sometimes I’m the one who’s breaking up the relationships, and sometimes my partner’s breaking up with me, but life goes on so I moved on.

Last year, I begin another love journey with someone, it was a delight! Although it was a long distance relationship, somehow we were able to manage all the missing and let it all go when we met again. I have never felt this secure feeling and then a thought cross my mind; this is a mature relationship I have always wanted.

but now, with two days without any messages and calls, I am madly worried, so I message something that is apparently to him my word is vicious and accusing that my love for him is a frail, and something about how easy it is to change white to black in one day. It got me mixed up! How... I mean, how?!?!? Although I’ve explained to him that I never meant it to sound like that, but then, no message whatsoever appeared on my cell phone. it is very frustrating how you can’t reach someone with whatever media provided for a long distance relationship, how you never had a single word of explanation, how you don’t know if this is over or not, and finally, how people can change with only a single word you said to them… (I have this final thought, but I still can’t figure what I’ve said! And now I suspect he is cheating after a break up advice and opinion from my sister)

So, this is how it feels like to be broken hearted…

and now, people might say...
"HA! Finally! now you know how it feels like, BITCH!!"

cemetary

2007-03-14T18:23:00.000+09:00

i sat on one tomb

the way she take pics

pulling my tongue out!

Yesterday, I company my friend for her photography project, yes, she’s still having those classes and apparently she’s proud of it (or not!), and according to the tutor, the object is anything around the location of Fatahilla museum or Prasasti museum. And she choose prasasti (we know the location, it’s nearer, and beside all the junior of her were there). So we went there (it’s very hot by the way, sweat my ass off!). to get inside, we must pay like Rp. 2000 (cheap huh!), the person who's in charge for the museum see that both me and elena bring camera with us, then he took us to see his manager, well, apparently there's some extra cash for taking pictures and it's Rp. 10.000 (still cheap anyway), and so, she took some pictures and me too (look at the way she took ‘em, she got real dirty). The place is not as creepy as I think so (considering it’s a cemetery for old van deer whatever, maybe cause it’s daylight, I stepped in one stone accidentally then I apologized (to Martina george van der houlston, that’s what written on her stone at least). Then There’s this thing, I sure it’s fake, it scares me though, a skull placed at one monument (that I tried to climb but I cant, end up hurting my leg) and some kind of sword slip through the skull. After those hot moments, I demand some fresh water before I get dehydrated.

After some pictures and a lot playing, we went to some place to buy some movies (I bought dream girls, Babel, pirates of the Caribbean, etc, and some tissue, it’s freaking hot! Again!).

Feeling a bit hungry then, we went to the Mal to have our lunch at Noodle café.

Then home. I had to have some sleep because I haven’t slept the night before, but before I spare me some time to watch Dream girls (cause the review said it’s good, turns out it’s quiet ok).

Twin-me

2007-02-26T19:59:00.000+09:00



Would it just nice if we have other-we that we can bring to life whenever we like to help us do our stuff?



I’ve just watched this cartoon (don’t judge, I’m just bored), involved one stupid boy and a cat that’s interestingly comes from the future with blue-colored body and a pocket filled with many magic things. I’m sure you know this character, but I’m having a hard time remembering the title. There, this one little boy seems too lazy to do his homework from school and house work from his mum, so he ask for help from his ‘pet’ friend to pull out something from the magic pocket, something that will help him escape all the duty. It’s a bad thing, and of course the cat disagree and told that little lazy boy to do his duty by himself. Things turn 180 degree when the little boy offered some cake (which apparently the cat crazy about, way to go!). And so, the cat pulled out some sort of mannequin that when u pushes the button, the mannequin would magically turn into you! And that’s when the little boy use the ‘doll’ to do all the things…



I’m not hoping to have the cat thing or magic from beyond this world whatever, but surely it would make my day if I have one of those mannequins! I don't have to do clean my room, ‘I’ can do it… buy some salad that needs a little walk? ‘I’ can do it… meet with important annoying client? ‘I’ can do it! But of course ‘I’ can’t do what I love to do ;-) dates, party, nice things… hmmm… (Reminds me thou, I haven’t been out in days! ☹)



Ah well, what harm can a daydreaming do? All I need is my robot twin! (well, living twin would not want to do my things)

Lots of love

Lil'

2007-02-17T00:15:00.000+09:00

(the shower)

(even smaller!!)

(her little castle i made she didn't like :-( )

My Karidee is having a baby!

They all so little and very very cute, I only get to keep one, so I take the cutest one and I called her Lil’! She has this very soft grey fur and dark-choc eyes with littlest ear I’ve ever seen. She’s so cute; I even gave a baby shower for her (well only me attend the party). Her size is just like the iCat just for the idea of comparison (as showed at picture above)

But apparently, Karidee’s not treated her very well, for first, even Lil’ have to find the food her self (Karidee suppose gave her), and many other things that tickle my heart to put Lil’ in my room.

So I put Lil’ in my room, I made this cute fake forest so that she will feel like home (sort of), and she don't really liked it! It’s like every time I put her in her own place, she always find her way to crawl into my bed when I was sleeping. It’s not that I don't want her to sleep with me, but I’m just afraid when I’m sleeping, I might broke a bone or two (hers by the way…). And beside she hasn’t toilet-trained!

Unlike Karidee, Lil’s very friendly. Every time there’s someone entering the room, she always shows up from where she’s hiding and play. She doesn’t scared of people and jump and jump. This one time, I was doing my work and didn’t play with her, she actually hide behind the bin and when I called her she doesn’t show up like usual (I guess she’s mad or something). After some begging and 3 boxed carrots later, she’s fine.

She’s not very fond of food thou, she just doesn’t eat much, and that’s what worries me, I’m afraid she’s just sick or something. But then again I think she have this small figure that doesn’t requires as much carrots as her greedy blue-eyed mother!

Last time I took her to the mall with me just to hang out. People are looking at her always and ask if she’s for real. Cause she’s very cute and has this doll-resemblance if she doesn’t move much.

Lots of love

'da pictures...

2007-02-07T07:45:00.000+09:00

(Black eyed...)

(nathan's B'day!)

B'day Par-tAyy!!!

2007-02-06T22:49:00.000+09:00

( home! dwie, me, nathan, pank & matthew )

Today is my nephew’s – Nathan Alvin Tjio – B’day! Isn’t he’s cute? Well yes he is in pictures looking cute and all that! But facing that little ‘creature’ took your ability to stand the ‘aggressiveness’ and ‘naughtiness’. But here I’m not gonna talk about his negative sides. If you look closely (just not close enough or he’ll poke your eye) he has this amazing skin (or because he’s a baby, but he’s already 3), and he’s very smart, this one time, he actually said ‘it’s my party’ on his birthday! Well it’s actually more like “i-mai-parli”, but we do get it, duh! And many other things that are just close enough to make me believe he’s Einstein’s grand-grand-grand-grand-grand-grand-grand-grand-child! (I’m so exaggerated!)

But he’s not very into me! at least starting this year!

How was it that in only a year or less, someone who you thought likes you, turn don’t-u-dare-hug-me-cold in less than a year? Last year was like me-me-me-me-me and this year no-no-no-no-no! Have a phase people! Businessman wouldn’t like it if his project goes down so fast like that! Duh! No more “uncle bobi”-in-whiny-voices when I come home (or maybe I’m too much at home these days?)

Arghhh!

Anyway, I still love you nephew! Mm…ah!

Lots of Love

Hang Out ?

2007-02-05T05:36:00.000+09:00

( try to be dark.. no can do! )

People tend to having their so-called trading-news in coffee shops, for some clique who haven’t met in a long time and live in four different cities (ok, I’m overly exaggerated!) is one thing, but what about 3 people living in the same roof likely having this equivalent needs as the three-gals-from-four-cities…

One says,

“Of course we go out, we need to chat!”

“You can’t chat in your house? Considering you live together…”

“…”

“It’s different, it’s just is…we needed those”

What’s so different? Instead of paying, you just don’t!
If you are a smoker, you can have it just as much when you’re in the house,
You can have drinks also as much, even more if you’re out of cash,
And more of a homey feels…

( @ Hot Stations )

Then it hits me, like old saying see-and-be-seen, they don’t have these needs only for chatting, they need to see some fresh sight and of course max the outfit and make-ups to be seen. (gosh, it’s very basic and I didn’t realize!)

And also you can spot married couple too, either only one or both,
This is another thing, they of course already pass the see-and-be-seen phase (or so I thought!), I couldn’t help but wonder (so sex and the city!) what is it their needs? So I ask one of my fellow person (married couple)

“it’s my boring point!”

“can’t stand the hour at home! Need to get out!”

so, as I get it on my small brain, the word “I do” meaning hot for the first 4 months and then bore themselves to death? (Of course not all married couples! I could be accused for jealousy)

and then there’s this other couple, the husband stays at home waiting for next day to work, and the wife having a night-out with other singles just (as I literally say it word by word from her mouth) to follow…

and again, in this case, as I filtered on my little brain, they married too soon? So they lost their fun-age (if that’s even a word)? And they want to feel how nice it is to hang out and gossip with other singles to catch out some news and hot places?

Lots of Love

I Love Photography!!

2007-02-04T06:44:00.000+09:00

( some of my work! )

I can’t tell how deep it is, but I like my work!
Loved it!
My only model which is my friend Elen
she really helps me express my thoughts to a picture
(although she’s not really photogenic, but after 100 frames, we GOT it! Uh-hU!)

And sometimes, I make me my own model, taking picture of myself
(how pathetic or narciss am I?)

Lots of Love

Gay-ish heterosexual men

2007-02-04T06:37:00.000+09:00

( tough black 'n white huh?! )

Women get confused sometimes choosing the right men! Some woman agrees, some don't. In this era, where gays are out in the open, they look classy, handsome, total fashion. What every woman wants in a man, including sensitivity (not too sensitive!), But they can’t have ‘em!

Woman should be so happy to hear that these days again, men have evolved one level. They're called the metrosexual (I’m sure this is an old subject, but I would like to re-fresh some thought). They shaved, they clean, and they look as handsome and as fashionable as gay ones.

It comes with a problem though; woman couldn’t differentiate which ones gay and which isn’t.

Let’s say in a hip coffee shop, center of nightlife society, where all peoples from all sexual orientations collide, a group of single women searching for whole-life partner or just to spend the night with whatever bullshits, in a coffee shop, sorry, a hip coffee shop. More experience woman would know which is gay and which isn’t just by looking at the object-of-desire eyes, some book taught many things about this;

first, let me give an example case,
you without-a-doubt looking hot, you see one, one see you, then he turn around and see no more, he’s gay! But if he sees you and see you and keep seeing you, he likes you, translate into straight. although, sometimes you have to see some signs too, you don't keep translate always seeing you to liking you, sometimes they translate to WANT to be you!

See if he’s looking at your sexy boobs or your sexy boots!

What about the inexperience one? Who always sees man the way they want to see and ignore the flowery with bright colors and satin fabric shirt he’s wearing? I want to say poor them, but someone’s gotta help them before they get into a no-point relationships (gay people who refuse their orientation go out with woman just for their image, where sometimes they shakin’ things up with other ‘guys’, and in some cases, they get married with the woman still don’t know about her husband sexual orientation and think of their sexual escapades as an incapability of her husbands wee-wee) these women are just in denial. They will be very upset and disappointed and suicide-sad if they know the truth, and they will find out sooner or later!

Ok, this is really getting out of the subject we’re talking before, so lets go back

So, gay-ish heterosexual men huh?
This species is living one thing for sure, and they’re among us. Yes, you can find this rare species in all the coffee shops that spread all over the city. Slightly, they’re just the same with metrosexual men, but the difference is what we’re talking about. They (the gay-ish thing) just had a little feminine thing going on there. Like pout, high-key voice, etc, etc…

Enough about that, I’m now more interesting about the poor inexperience woman.

It is very easy to know, just read the signs (I keep saying that! But it’s true)

Before, It stops where woman ignore all the man-see-you thing and deny the so-gay satin shirt, now I will tell the third sign if you’ve been conquer by all the signs, it’s what they talk. Men, I don’t know why, so into sports. But lets not go there, cause men are not gonna talk about sports on first date. But they will talk about how beautiful you are (even if you had a lettuce stuck on your braces), it’s all you, you, you and you!

you've got to see the different with me, me, me, me-guy!

“I like your shoes”

“I watch titanic, it got me cry a river"

and then there's this designer-freak,

“is that marc Jacobs you’re wearing?”,

“I got u this prada shoes I bought for you,
you’ll look fabulous!”,

“don't you love how Diane von Furstenberg did for
her winter-fall collection?”,

“SJPs new Alexander McQueen couture is so hot,
I think ruffles is back, you should get one honey!”.

If u still think,
“finally, I got a boyfriend who has the same taste
like me! I love you more!” (o my!)

There’s this fourth sign! It’s very basic and I think every out-there people know it, it’s the way they hold things. Sometimes if u notices, their little finger is going up-fly-in-the-air while they sip their coffee, or holding their cigarettes.

but, If u only finds one sign in a guy, it doesn’t mean he’s gay, probably he’s one of those rare gay-ish heterosexual, but combined all those signs, and you got yourself a pure breed gay man lady!

and ofcourse there's still a lot of signs out there! but i can't really put it all here! you gotta buy my books... (yea right! like i got one..)

Some extra special women still deny it and think of the finger as a cute thing, I just gotta say congratulation! You both will be very happy together and have lots of kids by insemination!

Lots of love!

(Top) (Bot)

2007-02-04T06:32:00.000+09:00

( @ me room again! gosh! )

What’s the difference between top and bottom?
For one thing, top is someone who’s putting ‘it’ inside, and bottom is someone who, well, provide ‘something’ to put ‘it’ if u know what I’m talking about

Top is the person who’s in control and bottom is controlled, but these days bottom just making their way up and control. Have you ever heard of ‘women on top’? That’s the situation where bottom is ‘in’ control. Trust me, and trust the survey, men likes it, let’s face it, men’s too lazy to be on top all the time.

Gay society on the other side, slightly same with heterosexual, only, they can work both ways, top could be bot (bottom) and bot could be top, they called it versatile.

But some folks, just capable enough with only one side. Bottom could only perform well being bottom, meaning can’t get it up when forced being top. And the other way around with top.

Enough with these theories lets head to the problem (which not really is a problem)

Since when being bottom in gay society is consider as the bottom-of-the-barrels in the caste of life? People may don’t really think of it much and don’t really realize this, but if u think about it (not worth thinking by the way) being bottom is being the object (literally in sexual vicinity) and top is on ‘top’ of the world.

And more fascinatingly, they agree! By placing bottom as the curse of the cursed. We still haven’t figured it out yet. But one theory caught my attention says (another one! We’re saying men to men gay here) perhaps because men are meant to be men, and being bottom meaning leaning a bit towards the female area so they’re (‘top’ guys) terrified to enter that area. And so, they seem to mock the bottom ones (they need them for Christ sake! I don’t see the point).

One case I’ve experienced, I have this friends (let’s say he’s jack) who’s versatile, he has this so-called life partner (mike) which is top. In trading-news time (always happen at coffee shops), me, another friend (john) and jack were sipping coffee when suddenly john says “you know, mike’s a bottom!” with his keen face waiting for jack’s respond. Was he seriously saying that? So what if mike’s bottom? is that even really a problem? Jack’s a pure versatile anyway! (unless if jack’s a bot, that would be a problem alright! But still not appropriate gossiping about)

It wouldn’t be such a big problem for female to female gay couple, they don't have this urge to be in control, female just like it to be controlled it’s natural, and female who’s leaning a bit towards male would of course love to control. And beside, they don't have this wee-wee malfunction in bed, they always have dildos!

What I’m trying to say here is, I love to make blog and illustrate my thoughts, and I have these thoughts so I write it. What?!
Read it just for fun and if u doesn’t have anything to do! Better yet, don't read it!

Lots of Love

MONSOON season!

2007-02-04T06:26:00.000+09:00

( @ elen's apt, and me own room! )

It’s now monsoon season, where the heavy rainfall during summer over Southeast Asia. And yes, for someone who’s got an F on his geology, Jakarta is one of the cities included in the area. And I’m living in one part of the suburb of Jakarta, well known as flood district.
It’s now not yet flood in my so called ‘district’, but rumor has it that in Bogor, it’s flooding everywhere and the dam there could not bear anymore water and they opened the dam gate, so in probably 4 hours from now, the water’s going to flow heading to lower part (which is suburb area, which is my area!). it’s 7.27 pm, and the “water” will “arrive” here around 11.27 pm! Isn’t that a pleasure!
I have experienced flood like 5 years ago, it’s thigh deep flood inside my house, and all the stuff from 1st floor fortunately already moved to 2nd floor, so all the family lives in 2nd floor. And for 6 days, there’s no electricity running! So no air-con! It’s a disaster!
Back then, we have this place to stay at the mall (my brother open some games arcade place in the mall near house), and since both our cars been engine-flooded, we have to walk from our house to the mall with flood everywhere! Yea it’s close by car, but by walk it’s horrible, especially with dirty water on your legs! Me, my sis fang, my sis due and my auntie back and forth from mall to house everyday for 3 days cause on the 4th and 5th days, there’s this rumor of a crocodile running free in the water, so our mother tell us to take ‘boat’ in the road! Picture it! It’s hilarious! And so for my dad and mum, they stay at home, they feel more comfort staying at the house than the mall.
Escaping that certain condition is overwhelmingly great! Especially the part where the lights on! I’m not hoping the situation will have a ‘re-‘ apply! Certainly not now! Lets just hope the water go somewhere heading sea or that we have a great water-pumps to ‘deliver’ the water back to where it belong, the canal!

Lots of Love

Long distance relationships...

2007-02-04T05:55:00.000+09:00

( @ me own room beibeh! )

Long distance relationship as I quote from so many people “it’s hard”, “trustless”, “what’s the point?” and so on and so on… I don't know if they’ve experience bad things with it or they just being “smart-ass” about it, they always been negative.

Someone who’s inevitably cons with long distance relationships says “I prefer something real in front of me than some text messages”.

At first, I thought that way too, you know, how it can be very distressing when u know they’re there, breathing, talking, but far away from you! Can’t touch ‘em, can’t feel ‘em up, even you got these technology ahead of time like mobile, short message, multimedia message, you name ‘em! Sometimes network can become a pain in the ass! but then, there is always a mail you can count on, but can u open it all the time when you’re so busy with this work thing you’re doing?

And not only that can be a rock-on-a-road, people, especially two committed individual, where they are far apart, one can be curious about what other doing, one could think other may say these things but other could easily lie taking advantage of the situations, and it works the other way around.

And when this happens, jealous is on the menu, it’s water, people drink it everyday! But then, if there is nothing else we could do to make this better, trust always help.

People don't like it when they’re being distrust, it’s common sense, when one distrust other, other feeling insulted then other turn to distrust one. Whatever that means, you don’t want that to happen!

Just trust, they say they’re out with their family, trust them! They go have some project with thee friends, trust them! They’re out playing golf with thee boss, trust them!

However, u cant be too stupid to trust them when they say they can’t contact u for a week cause their mobile is low-bat.

Just plays along, read the signs, and don’t be too paranoid!

Lots of Love

the best and the worst year!!!

2007-02-04T05:48:00.000+09:00

(@ Suzhou's garden near the tower, hotel room, and cold beijing!)

I’m having the best year-end holiday, yes, on 28th December I’m leaving on a jet plane. I’m having a blast new year, having someone I care beside me. Just when I thought I could not be happier, I’m not getting any happier! It’s not a good start in the year 2007. First, I lost my passport, for that, I have to take 12 hours train to Beijing to get my temporary passport, so I went there. It’s Friday, it’s freakin’ cold, it’s almost snowing, my feet got wet, it’s just not nice (thank god he’s always there beside me!). So, embassy said I have to collect some prove letter from the immigration office in Indonesia. So I ask my sista to get the letter and fax it to me, until then, I have to wait. Waiting is crazy, so I went to Mc D’s to have some lunch (anyway it’s lunch time, the embassy’s not open until 2 P.M!). then due & fen faxed it around 4.30 P.M, I went loco! Cause the embassy, as I know, closes at 5 p.m. u can guess, I’m late, I can only give all the data they asked before. And it’s Friday! As commonly known, Saturday and Sunday is not a working days, so I have to wait til Monday. so Monday I go back there, do a little interview, thinking I might get it today so I can go back to suzhou! Nope, HE think I should suffer more, so HE gave me another 3 days waiting. Thank GOD! Ok, so Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, I got the passport temporarily, Thursday evening I fly to shanghai, grab some dinner with Seans friends, then by taxi go to suzhou to finally meet him (after a while loss-cuddling). Ow, by the way, yea, another ‘great’ things, on 9th january, which is Tuesday, when I’m in Beijing, I kinda was suppose to having my final presentation thou’, but yea, since I’m in Beijing and I’m not there at my University, guess what, I missed it, yea how ‘HAPPY’ I am!!!! ☺ ☹ Ok so go back to Thursday evening, couldn’t stop cuddling! And next day, Friday, I have to do my visa again, it’s fast, it only took like lunch time, but it cost so much! So I got my visa, then sean make reservation to garuda, fly for Saturday. Cos im heading to Jakarta from shanghai, so I have to go back to shanghai again leaving sean ☹. Arrive at shanghai around 5 p.m. then went to the hotel, then around 7 p.m seans friends, david and Lawrence, pick me up to have some seafood, umm hairy-crab, looks interestingly yucky, but taste very nice, the egg was very juicy, yummy! Then, went to coffee bean grab something to drink, and sean’s arrive! ☺! Yea! Then we went to guandi (suppose one of the most popular club in shanghai), and the song’s very very nice, unlike any club in Jakarta which mostly trance (I have nothing against trance, I just don't really like it, some people crazy about it, it’s subjective), getting a little drunk (I cant really drink), went to hotel around 3 am. Leaving the hotel for airport around 6 am.. very sad, china’s been great, although a lot of ups and downs, strutting a long the streets, the lake, the malls… most of all being with your ‘love-company’, LOVED IT SO MUCH! And so, arrived at Jakarta, the apple of my eyes (?!?!), and it's a hot day (great!), hey, turns out, my misery continues, I cant have my final evaluation, so I have to wait for next semester and it’s in June so goodbye graduation on May! It DOES NOT stop there, I left my job, I only got half my salary from last month I work there (they seems happy to take what’s belong to me, my Salary!!), credit card people wont stop calling me (hellow, I was away, and lost in china! Chill out!), this sucks, 2007’s not my year (how Ironic, 7 is my number!) thanks again up there! I wont complain again, this is my last! These days, my life rolling a little bit up, I got freelance jobs from my friend (helps a little on my income), I can use my old project for my final evaluation on June (so I don't have to do it all over again and just present on the presentation day!!), which I’m looking forward! I’m just gonna lived up my life now! Missing u so much now baobei! Mm…ah!

Lots of Love

this is an old blog i posted on January 26th, 2007

Using coffee shops precisely!

2007-02-04T05:37:00.000+09:00

( me & robert @ coffee bean )

You were trying so hard to enter a place to hang out cause of traffic problems (which is the most common reasons for people being late), and then there’s a parking lot fits for at least 100 cars in the place where you can find 1000 people, each driving one piece. Takes you an hour, two hours, even three hours in peak days like Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. And when you’re finally get a park, which quiet a distant from the coffee shop and you think it’s ok, you find no seat available even in the non-smoking area! It’s even more ironic that you’re using home outfit in a place where you might bump into a hot guy (it’s off the record!) Why is it, these days, getting one coffee is full of twist and turn! Are people don’t realize how much it is for a cup of coffee? perhaps they have too much money that they need to waste it for a single cup of coffee. Then again, where am I? At least I’m here waiting for my sister to pick me up. I’m not judging (yea right!), but what about anybody else, who I spot sitting alone, nothing to do, listening to some music, doesn’t seems waiting for someone, then it hits me! He’s me 2 years ago! Just hanging out alone, sipping coffee, and ‘hunt’ for ‘prey’ to spend the night with! There you go! (Who am I deceiving, I did it like months ago! Not in particularly same way though).

Lots of Love

it's an old blog i posted on October 31st, 2006

30.10.2006

2007-02-04T05:29:00.000+09:00

( @ work! see how nothing-to-do there! )

Work in stores, when there’s no customer, there’s nothing left to do except re-do the jeans, display, hanger, etc. and when everything’s done, seriously, nothing else to do. So in these superfluous times, I’d rather take a little nap under cashier, and left my half eyelid opened just in case a customer enter (anyway there’s always another workmates to helped). It’s like my eyes involuntarily heavy around 1 pm ~ 3 pm. After that, I felt so fresh that my body’s won’t stop moving, perhaps I’m a little exaggerated, but it’s like I’m dancing to a song follow another songs (no customer cases), and when I felt tired, I started re-doing the jeans, display, etc. after 6, usually times move fast that suddenly it’s time to change and go home. It’s like that most days in the stores. If you feel like working in stores might be fun, no, it feels so boring and tiring, but if you insist, just pretend having a good times and you’ll get used to it. And if your present aware by other fellow stores, keen enough to handle the tittle-tattle you might get from them. They might look nice to your face; you don’t know what they’re saying when you’re absent. A word of advice, think of them as added species in your world always works (at least for me).

Lots of Love

it's an old blog i posted on October 31st, 2006

Adam and Steve...

2007-02-04T05:22:00.000+09:00

Weekends and feeling weary just to hang out and watching midnight show. Would it just perfect to stay alone at your own bed? And besides, someone’s waiting for me home, and so I drive my deadbeat remains home. It’s 10.00 pm and I go online. It’s 11.30 pm and I got nothing else to do besides staring at one side of the wall and blank. I decided to clean my room after half an hour waste of time for nothing. There, under a pile of CDs, I found a movie that I just borrowed and watch last week, ‘Adam & Steve’. A great movie, funny yet romantic, light yet meaningful (at least for me), controversy yet it’s real. It’s an old movie but I just knew it from my friend. I just watched it last week, and still missed it, so I watched it again for the second time. I feel so inspired in many ways by the movie, I feel like there’s more than just a relationships. All I knew about relationships in all my life was propaganda. Coz, in relationships, as I quote, we always project this image of ourselves that’s completely opposite from who we are. And this is because we’re just afraid we won’t be loved for who we really are! It’s sad, but true. When we’re doing it, they’re doing it too. And most people (we and they) look for the person who has the least amount of flaws, and then we/they find someone who we/they think is about as perfect as we/they can get, and when the relationship runs in quiet a long time, all of the sudden we/they just realize we/they don't know this person. And when this happens, all we need is truth! Why waste all these times when inside you knew you can tell truth from the beginning? Then again, what can a man like me say, cause I think it’s hard too! We were always doctrine to do things like this to our casual relationship. And all we need is only time. Anyway, I endorse ‘Adam & Steve’ to ya’ll! Cause it’s a great movie! And so romantic the way he proposed..

~

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth
For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good
Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

MY GOD!!! But I don’t hope it’ll occur to me. And a beautiful wedding!

Love ~ John Lennon

Love is real, real is love
Love is feeling, feeling love
Love is wanting to be loved
Love is touch, touch is love
Love is reaching, reaching love
Love is asking to be loved

it's an old blog i posted on October 31st, 2006

when personal intrudes professional...

2007-02-04T05:16:00.001+09:00

So, where do I begin…
Friends…

When friends works with certain friend,
Sometimes they got blurred out understanding
Which is professional?, which isn’t?
Which is personal?, which isn’t?

And when personal intrudes professional…
That’s where problems begins...

Professional controlled by rational, and
Personal controlled by emotion..
And its very flexible
Either you want professional by emotion
or personal by rational…
But If rational and emotion mixed together,
What comes is chaotic, just don't make any sense!

This way of thinking was boxed up from
Long before year 2006..
But people these days no longer use emotion often
In All the things they do they use rational
That’s why business between friends these days works just fine
At least that’s what western living people do..
What about eastern? Asian?
Whom I’ve heard still needs emotion…
No wonder, considering all the ‘pouring tears’ movie produce here!
It's a good thing if you work in a movie business
What if you work in other business?

If u work with friends professionally
and got mixed up with personal life,
especially when you use emotion
its just won’t do!
Coz ups and downs in personal life
Should not intrudes professional
If it is, it wont be fair!
Both to the team or the leader..

Why to the team?
This is the case when leader
Mixed personal with professional…
Leader have their own personal life
When it hits the ground
Sometimes, They need some place to yell
To Whom?
the one who works for him/her,
number one on the list.
one of most cases.
everybody has a personal things,
when the team works just fine,
why do leader has to yell?
Perhaps personal reason, no one knows…
not just because leader pays
so he/she could do whatever to the
team a.k.a his/her own friend

why to the leader?
this is the case when the team
mixed professional with personal…
When the team had enough of the yelling
They automatically spread rumors
The bad ones to personal surroundings
One of most cases.
(Truthfully speaking, I was one of them.)
professional works should be handle professionally
when we’re wrong and got yelled
it’s because we were wrong!
Don’t pout and share to other friends!
Cause when we do, we already mixed professional to personal
and the effects is much stronger than we think!

when this thing has been played too long
too much rumors spread, too much feelings hurted
friends won’t last…
it’s better saving friendship than work
last Friday, salute to the leader who
realized it before it went too far and ended the team
for saving friendship…

what I’m disappointed was, why he’d have to leave
just like that without any enough explanation
which brings confusion to the ‘ended’ team…
I’m curious, was he saving friendship? or
Saving his own dignity?

One more thing…
Playing sides?
I was shocked to death when he’s leaving…
Like kitten hunger for fish,
All the one who’s on his sides followed him!
Leaving the ‘ended’ team…
What was that?!
Were they real friends?
Or playing friends?
are you sure u don't wish for enemy?

And so for the ‘ended’ team…
Left without explanation…
Left in confusion…
But still… talking nasty
Perhaps because they don't really understand
The meaning of ending the team,
That’s why in confusion they talk bad
especially about the last sentence
That came out from the leader,
Accusing…? hellow!?

My personal review…
That day, same occasion...
I have never been so INSULTED in my whole life!

People may accused other people..
I understand and don’t mind
Being accused for something at that moment…
because of misleading...

But when someone TALKS to me,
I was kinda HOPING that someone FACED me, not to OTHERS
My friend said let it go, and I tried, but I CAN’T!
Who the hell is he?
Saying he would change, yea he is changing, more IMATURE!
I’m just glad the others don’t do it (although im feeling a little out from the group),
cause in mannerism, When u talk to someone it’s best to look each other…
but for people who’s IMATURE, I don’t think they learn enough!

Peace!
And friends forever...!
but some people don't agree…
o well, just keep it open!

it's an old blog i posted on October 21st, 2006

~ Friend ~

2007-02-04T05:10:00.000+09:00

( christmas party @ novotel 2005 with friends )

I have this friend
I know from one
I hurt one
This friend no longer my friend
Is this the new trend?
Or people just being negative?
Or people these days just stop growing?
And this is not at all complicated
This is just so 6th grade!
to all my friends
i will have new friends coming
and so will you all
but once i called u friend,
you will always be my friend!

people do get bored!!

2007-02-04T05:02:00.000+09:00

~ 王世豪 ~

once i have said...
on my late blog 'what is romantic?'
there i said by being romantic is not always
by softly and gently touch each other (non sexual way! dont get too exited!),
talking love and care... but by yelling which defines a new way of romantic..

then again, recent me realize this needs,
the needs of having a little word of love,
care and being cared, extra attention...

well, perhaps now i dont really agreed with
my late blogs again...
but people do change
ok, not change totally,
i still need the yell thingy..
but not all day, all week, all month, all year long!
people like me, do get bored too!

at the point where i cant take it anymore
i have to let them go
and this is the point..
the point of no return
and living my life the way i like it
where i dont have to change my styles
to fit in one group or so,
where i dont have to say pretty
then talk behind,
where i dont have to pretend im having it all
but all i have is none,

i dont folllow what others wants
i follow what i wants!
and if other dont like it,
might as well others stay away

~

People will always judge
Of course it’s ok!
Coz I judge people too!
Of what I’ve done recently
People may judge and some already judge me!
I really don't care.
If just because im happy now and people said im mean,
Then I will say ‘I am mean!’
Not only people, even me, I will say I’m mean and heartless
For what I’ve done!
I’m selfish! So, if that’s the way for me to be happy!
I will do it… And in some case, I already do it!

Lots of love!

it's an old blog, i posted on October 10th, 2006

we need white lies!

2007-02-04T04:53:00.000+09:00

( me with dewi, tommy's b'day parteey @ manchester united and my b'day parteey @ hardrock )

family

family is one thing that never ran out of your life forever... cause family is the source of anything. without my family, i'm nothing. i do realize that... but at some point, you just can't stand the rules at home, and you just want to leave wherever you might go, and bravely said "i can live with or without you!!" to your parents, when inside you were calculating things to make a living of your own.

sometimes you've had a rough, hard times with you family, it's a normal things thou'
and sometimes you missed them so much... but you don't have to play your emotion on the go, fast like fire and just leave like that... you know they (parents) don't really mean what they said... they're just doing that to make a strong look out of themselves, but inside they feel guilty by harming you. that's what parents all about...

white lies

lie. it's a negative word... especially when you "lie" to your family or friends or your love one...
ask anybody... nobody likes being lied...
but at some cases, we needed lies to survive... that's where "white lies" being useful

(FYI, it's only a sample, like a perfume sample, it's only a simple way to smell what's the essence not the real one!)
eg. you want to buy something very expensives, and you know your parents would've been mad knowing you spent so much money on a little bag..... that's when you need white lies by saying someone bought it for you.... positive point is, your parents doesn't have to yell hardly (which makes them older and tired and out of breath) and you don't have to cover up your ears with tissue (you know it hurts your ears)...

main point is, you have all the times in the world playing with your lifes, doing whatever you want to do with your lifes, without your parents knowing by doing white lies... (but you know to behave, don't do drugs!!!) they don't have to know, keep them happy, makes you happy

Lots of Love!

this boring life i've had...

2007-02-04T04:24:00.000+09:00

(guys @ sepuluh organizer!)

i have nothing to do but going to college and stay at home, the only thing i'm happy about my life is that i have someone that cheers me up when i'm bored.. EUGH!! the bored word again!!! and that someone.. you know who you are.... and for that, thanks very much.. i love you

one problems solved, and another comes, somehow i feel like what i have in life is only problems,
that what "17th" me used to said. but "21st" me said "that is not a problem, that's just a little things for you to get on with your life, to experience, for your knowledge and mind, to explore how deep life is"

and then another said "for christ sake, your just a little boy! don't even pretend you're a grown-up living in this world of pain, you don't know what love really is, what you know is puppy love, you don't know what life is, what you know is playing life as u used to play when you're a kid, you don't know what hate is, what you know about hate is just a part of your anger"

people judge what other people said... that's what people about.

friend of mine told me " i don't judge people!"
but does he/she know, only by saying "look at what she's wearing!!!" he/she is JUDGING people?!?!?!
nobody is perfect. just like a brand of bags that were popular during high school.
well, "17th" used to said the same thing, even more!
i used to said "i don't like it when people do this.. that... bla bla bla", few days later... i do this.. that... bla bla bla.... HUH! GOTCHA!
hey, not only "17th" me, even "NOW" me sometimes do such things....
see, even right this very moment, i JUDGE people....

so i guess, we really can't say bad things about other to our "so-called" clique, when sometimes maybe we do the "bad" things too. unless.... unless, when that other is very very annoying that you and your CLIQUE can't even tolerate it anymore ;P hehhehehe